The List

 

I don’t have a large number of people that I consider good friends.  It’s not that there’s anything wrong with the women that I do consider friends that keeps them from being GOOD friends.  It just seems to take me a long time to cultivate the type of relationship that I would consider close/special/true.

I’m sure we could get into the psychology of what this means and why it is, etc.  But I think it’s simply the fact that #1 I have four younger sisters and those relationships raise the bar on what I expect from my relationships with other women, and #2 I was let down by my mother at a very young age and probably don’t inherently trust/feel comfortable with ladies.

Whew, #2 was hard to admit.  I really don’t want to feel that way, but regardless- I guess I’m more about quality than quantity.

Three of my oldest and dearest friends live in Lubbock.  One friendship is 25 years old!  The others are 18 and 15.  I’ve basically known these women more than I haven’t.  I feel like they know every single part of me and still accept me for who I am.  That is an amazing resource and freedom.

One of these ladies recently gave me a task to complete.  She asked me to make a list of 20 things I want in a man. (Not necessarily today, but when I’m ready).  I made my list and checked back in with her.

Then I was to choose 5 things that I couldn’t live without.  The idea being that if I found someone with these 5 things, the rest of the list probably wouldn’t matter much because my real needs would be met.

It was harder than I expected to come up with 20 things!  I had some duplicates like humble and down-to-earth which are basically the same thing.  But after some tweaking, I think I had a pretty accurate list.  The top 5 were pretty easy to choose.  So, here’s my list:

1. Honest
2. Chemistry/Connection
3. Spiritual
4. Passionate
5. Good Communicator
6. Respectful
7. Stable
8. Motivated
9. Sense of Humor
10. Good Taste in Music
11. Healthy
12. Intelligent
13. Open Minded
14. Provider
15. Thoughtful
16. Down-to-Earth
17. Affectionate
18. Courageous
19. Faithful
20. Mature

I can already see how this list might change over time as I change or my needs change, but I don’t imagine that the top 5 will ever be very different from what it is now.

What would your top 5 be and why?

Just say it

For about as long as I can remember, I’ve been a writer.  It started in diaries as a young girl and turned into poetry as a teenager.  It eventually turned into blogging as an adult.  It’s my outlet, my way of processing emotions and ideas.  I sometimes don’t quite understand life until I write about it.

I’ve been trying to write for the past few months without success.  I’ve got so many drafts, it’s kind of comical.  I get going and then bam- a wall goes up and I just can’t continue.  It’s been frustrating- being so close to the release I need and yet just not able to get it out.

I don’t know for sure what’s holding me back, but part of it is just not really wanting to say what I am honestly feeling because then I have to admit it.

So, I’m just gonna get it out.

Mostly, life is great.  I have a great job that I genuinely like and I’m getting paid well which never hurts.  I have my own apartment in town now.  It’s cute and cozy and cheap.  (Seriously, I’m making more money and the cost of living is so low!)  My boys and I live next to a little park with a lake which is fun for all of us.  I get to see family and friends all the time.  These people have known me most of my life and their support has been amazing.  I’m healthier and more peaceful than I’ve been in so long.

BUT I’m struggling internally.  Two things happened at the same time:

1.  I started dating.

2.  Xavier cut off all communication with me.

It’s not that he and I were really communicating other than the occasional email dealing with the divorce or our taxes, but a few weeks ago he let me know that he was changing his email and phone number and I was to never contact him again.  Not before he sent me one more scathing message about everything I did to deserve what happened to our marriage.  It was very upsetting.

A few days later, I had a little panic attack as the reality that I would probably never speak to him or see him again set in.  It feels surreal that this man I spent so many years with is just gone from my life.  The man I built my life around.  The man I created all of my dreams around.  That I fought so hard to keep.  He’s really gone.

I still feel married to him, as crazy as that may seem.  I don’t even understand why.  We were miserable most of the time that we were together, but I loved him and I believed in our marriage.  I still think that we could have worked things out.  I still feel like he got to make all of the choices.  I still don’t understand how I could have been so wrong.

I met a man named Billy about two weeks after the divorce was finalized and I blew him off.  I wasn’t ready.  It didn’t seem right to date yet.  But he was persistent and I finally gave him a chance about a month later.  I agreed to be his girlfriend about two weeks later.  I just broke it off a week ago.

It was painful.  It wasn’t right and I knew it, but I was letting him push me- which is exactly how my last relationship started.  I started gaining weight and not sleeping well.  I had no energy and was turning to old habits for relief.  I just couldn’t let it continue on.

I wanted to be ready for another man to love me, but I’m not.  I wanted to just be happy and move on, but I’m not and I can’t yet.  I’m getting there little by little.  I have to be okay with slow progress and trust myself to know what’s best.

What I know most of all is that I have to love myself more than anyone else.  I have to keep working on that.  Everything else will fall into place.

Final

Two major parts of my life were finalized this past week- my aunt’s life and my marriage.

Both surreal.  Both bittersweet.

We scattered her ashes in the ocean just before dawn.  I didn’t actually watch my cousin release her.  All I could look at was the waves coming up on the shore.  Coming in and moving back out.  Washing away, making new.

Michele believed in me.  She saw so much more in me than I ever did.  She wanted me to be more, to move on and live my life.  And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I love you Michele.  I can feel you with me.  And I know someday we will see each other again.

Life and Death

Right after my surgery earlier this year, my Aunt was hospitalized and diagnosed with small cell carcinoma, the most aggressive form of cancer.  Caused by only one thing: smoking cigarettes.  They caught it early and treated it aggressively.  We all thought she had it beat.  Then her next scan showed that it had moved from her lungs to her liver and pretty much taken it over.  That’s when they told her it was the beginning of the end.  She was determined to fight.

I traveled to Corpus Christi last weekend to help my mother start making arrangements and spend some time with my aunt while I can.  They have determined that the cancer spread to her spine and given her 6 weeks to live.  Hospice care has been brought in and we did our best to make her feel comfortable and happy.

While I was in town, I had a SERIOUS lapse in judgment.  I think it was a combination of re-reading some Love Dare posts earlier in the week and thinking about what I would regret if I were in my aunt’s position.  But I told him that I was willing to try to work things out.  I made promises, stopping just short of begging.  He totally rejected me.  It was so embarrassing, so humbling.  I felt like the world was swallowing me whole.  He had the nerve to ask me if we could still be friends.  Oh, have I mentioned that he’s already dating?

Anyway, I fell into this pit of despair.  Consumed in self-centered drama, I started thinking about death.  This is not new for me.  Suicidal thoughts, while not frequent, have been an issue for me since my teenage years.  Usually they are fleeting and an indication that I am not handling a situation well enough on my own.

This time it made me angry and scared.  Here is my aunt fighting for every minute she can squeeze out of her too short life and I’m going to let him make me feel like my life is over?!  But the thoughts kept coming.  That’s when I finally got down on my knees.  Why do I struggle so much to remember to pray?  It’s always a solution!  While my heart still aches, I know I’m going to survive.

I choose life and I’m strong enough to live it.

No More Faking It

Random picture of my little Christmas tree!

Yesterday was quite a day.  I woke up to snow which was cool.  I had to head into Lubbock early because I had to get set up for a temp job I was going to work Tuesday and Wednesday and I also had an interview later in the afternoon.  I had all of these glorious plans to get so many things done.  The streets didn’t look bad at all, so I made no adjustments before I headed out around 6:30am.

This is where I have to stop and give a little geography lesson.  Lubbock, TX sits on top of a caprock which is why it’s so flat, but you get  a little ways out of town and you head down into canyons where it’s anything BUT flat.  Post, TX is just down off of the caprock.  As soon as I got up that hill and onto the caprock, I knew I was in trouble.  ICE.  EVERYWHERE.  But I pressed forward.  There was a path worn in the road already and I was just going to take it slow and steady.  I traveled about 10 miles when I guess I got a little too confident.

The car in front of me kept slowing down for no apparent reason, so I decided to gently pass her.  I guess I forgot that my tires are nearly bald and need to be replaced.  As I was merging back in front of her, I started to skid.

I grew up in this weather!  I know how to handle a skid…  I took my foot off the gas like I was supposed to but it felt like the car accelerated anyway which made me panic.  I started overcorrecting and when I started spinning I hit the brakes flinging me off the road and down into a plowed cotton field.  I basically did everything I shouldn’t have done.  AND I felt like an idiot.  All of it was totally my own dang fault.

My car was perpendicular to traffic and I was facing an embankment that was super steep and about as tall as my vehicle.  I’ll spare all the details but a very nice gentleman tried to help me but was unsuccessful.  I tried using my emergency roadside assistance with Geico but they couldn’t get any tow trucks out in the snowstorm.  Eventually, a State Trooper came to my rescue and spent quite a bit of time getting me back on the highway.  He then scolded me for the condition of my tires and sent me back to Post.

I was going to try to salvage the day by working on Christmas gifts so I checked me bank acct only to find a mystery charge on my acct from Blockbuster.  I knew that my card was associated with the Blockbuster acct that we always used back in Corpus Christi, so this required a call to him.

I hate having to call him.  I hate the fact that I want to talk to him as much as I do.  I hate the fact that it makes me feel better to hear his voice.  I hate the fact that it is also excrutiatingly painful- like opening newly scabbed wounds.  We took care of the business at hand but then I just couldn’t get off the phone yet.  We ended up having a long conversation and I felt a little better when it was over.

In my Thanksgiving post, I mentioned that I was going to “fake it til I make it” when it came to being grateful for my marriage and him.  He and I had previously talked about how I honestly didn’t know what I had gained from the 7+ years that we were together because even memories are tainted now with questions.  But I admitted to him last night that I know for certain one blessing that came from our time together.  My relationship with Jesus Christ.

It was through my desparation that I began looking for answers, resolutions to our problems.  It was in that state that I discovered The Love Dare.  It was through that book and the work it had me do, that I gained my first testimony of Jesus Christ.  It’s not that I didn’t believe before, I just didn’t understand.  I now have a personal relationship and it is everything.  I think it took the humbling experiences and struggles in my marriage to make me able to accept the gospel and appreciate the gift of love.

My trials have been numerous.  Some have been solely the result of others choices and some have been of my own doing.  I continue to be humbled by my circumstances.  I believe that this life is meant to be difficult, that we are meant to struggle to endure.  But we also have to find ways to be grateful.

I’m thankful that I wasn’t injured or anyone else for that matter yesterday.  I’m lucky that my vehicle seems to be fine as well.  I’m grateful for my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I get to experience all of the joy and pain of this life because of His sacrifice.

Shaved Legs

I shaved my legs for the first time in two months today.  Not the most monumental development, I know but hear me out.

I’ve been feeling lighter lately.  Happier.  I’m still dealing with divorce drama and trying to find a job and trying to figure out how to be okay, but all of that is just a little bit easier all of a sudden.  I don’t know when or how, but I turned a corner recently.

And I felt like shaving my legs.  Not for anyone else, for me.  I felt like taking care of myself and feeling good.  Now, that is progress in my book.

Thankful Thursday

It’s been too long since I’ve made a Thankful Thursday list.

I haven’t been feeling so thankful for too long.  I’ve felt pretty angry about what I’ve been dealt in life.  And for some, it’s understandable.  This isn’t a feel sorry for me post so I’m not going into detail, but it’s safe to say that my trials started at a young age and there’s been many.  It’s easy to look at others lives and wonder why they have it so easy and why I’ve had it so hard.  But I know that’s the fastest way to never feel satisfied with anything.

So gratitude needs to be a daily decision- I’m going to start today.  I’m thankful for-

*  A Heavenly Father who knows me, loves me, challenges me and never gives up on me.
*  For the Atonement of Jesus Christ who suffered every pain any of us will ever feel in the Garden of Gesthemane.
*  For the Holy Spirit who fills me with light and truth, who lets me know I’m not alone.
*  For my sisters.  It’s such a special bond- sisterhood.  I’m lucky to have 4 “little” sisters in my life.  They lift me up, make me laugh until I need to pee, bring out my mama bear, keep me real, and dry my tears.
*  For my family.  We’re a rag tag dysfunctional bunch, but there’s a whole lot of love and forgiveness.  I don’t even know how to summarize what I feel for all of these people, but I am truly blessed!
*  For my friends.  You know, devastation truly lets you know who your friends are.  The ones that dare to ask how you are and want to know an honest answer.  Who check in and see through the mask.  Who give as much as they get.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’ll take quality over quantity anyday.
*  For memories.  To remind me that this too shall pass.
*  For safety.  I have a shelter and food to eat and even if it takes me a while to find a job I know that I will be okay.
*For health.  This is not a doing of my own, for a long time I worked against my own health but I’ve been lucky to not have any serious issues to contend with.
* For choices.  I’m grateful for agency in my life even when I am affected by other’s freedom to choose.
* For Xavier and our marriage.  This is a fake it til you make it one.  I know there’s something to be grateful for there, I’m just not finding it yet.  I’m going to keep trying.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with loved ones.