2 Sep
I’ve watched you my entire life, you were so fascinating to me.  Far more bold, confident, and intelligent than I could dream to be.  When we were young, I was so jealous.  You could break the rules without batting an eyelash.  You could remember the words to a song after the first time you heard it.  I wanted to be just like you, but I couldn’t be.  You were younger, but older.  I always knew that.

Then everything got broken, and it was my turn to shine because I could take care of you.  It’s the only thing I could do better than you- take care of you.
They told me I was the oldest and I had to be a good example.  I had to be responsible because you were watching.  And I believed them.  I tried to be the best I could be, but you didn’t want to be like me.
We got older and older and you got deeper and deeper in trouble and I felt so responsible.  I thought it was my fault.  When we would fight, I couldn’t sleep and all I wanted to do was make up.  I took on a new role.  I became your protector.  I thought I was being just.  Doing my job.
Then you left.  And came back.  And left again.  Over and over.  Breaking my heart each time.  I was always there trying to help you pick up the pieces.  Telling everything that THIS time it was going to be different.  JUST WAIT AND SEE!
All of these years later, and I’m still playing that role.  Cheerleader.  Protector.  Enabler.
But you broke my heart again today.  For the last time.  You’ve made your choices and I just have to let go.  I will always love you and I will always hope and pray for you, but I can’t keep supporting you.  It’s not my responsibility.  It’s not my fault.  You’re only hurting yourself.
I wish things could be different for you little sister, maybe someday they will.  It’s up to you.

3 Responses to “Hurting”

  1. tara at 5:19 am #

    i'm so so sorry that you are having to go through this…again. i'm sorry that all of your family is going to suffer the “loss” of a loved one. i'm not blood but i'm also hurt by the choices that were made. i really thought and believed this time would be different. this was going to be the time that she would finally “get it” and realize the sacrifices that have made, the chances she has been given, and the unconditional love that everyone has shown, despite how many times it's caused hurt. i believed she meant it when she would express how grateful she was to have brit & you sending money & letters. And how it made her day when I would write her. I really believed it when she said she couldnt wait to come visit us and stay the weekend. And she was looking forward to time with her sisters.

    I'm crying right now because I know the love you have for your younger sister & I know the pain when she makes poor choices, and you want nothing more than to go, take her away from whatever bad place she's in, and just take care of her. I also know the pain of letting go.

    I'm hoping maybe she will one day read this, and maybe realize that she's not the only one who has to live with the choices she has made. I know I'm not blood, but I still consider you guys family. I love all of you, despite our differences, disagreements, or whatever comes…I'm here for all of you but I will not extend any more help to someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

  2. brandi at 5:52 am #

    Tara, you most certainly are family. Thank you for your kind words. I know this is a tough time for us all. I'm so glad we all have each other.

  3. karen at 11:49 am #

    I don't know all that's going on, but I definitely know the pain. I have an older brother … somewhere. When we were little we were inseparable. He was my “brubby” and I was his “sissy” and I knew as well as I knew that the grass was green that he would do anything for me. Something “snapped” in him at some point and then it became years of always waiting to see what was next — waiting for the next call to bail him out or testify for/against or, the call that we all expected, that he had been killed. He wasn't around when our mom died. I still don't know if he knows that our father did, too. He's not safe to have in the life of the people I love and probably never will be. One of the greatest losses of my life …. and of his. I hope that your family (blood and otherwise) finds the strength to see eachother through *hugs*

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