Now.

30 Oct

Wednesday evening, I was headed to bed when I got a call from my cousin.  She asked me to come over- her mom needed me.  My Aunt, who was recently started a new round of chemo, was in severe pain and wanted to go to the ER.  So we packed up and went.  When they called her in to do paperwork, she started vomiting and they rushed us in to a room.  It was horrible, but kinda lucky because we probably would have been waiting hours otherwise.

They determined that she had a stomach virus and was severely dehydrated.  The pain is being caused by her enlarged liver.  So they admitted her to get her back in tip top shape.  That night she was talking about dying and how she wanted me to come pick some things out that I might want.  I told her that I couldn’t do it.  I would cherish anything she wanted me to have, but I couldn’t just walk around her house and make a list.

Friday started out fine but by that evening I wasn’t feeling very well.  Not sick as much as tired, so I went to bed early.  I woke up around 11pm and as soon as I sat up, I knew I was in trouble.  I proceeded to projectile vomit ALL over the bathroom.  It was horrible.  Nightmare scene…  I was up for hours.  Looks like I picked up the stomach virus.

I spent most of yesterday in bed with a fever.  I felt so bloated but luckily not nauseous anymore.  Woke up this morning feeling much better tummy wise- just VERY sore.  My ribs, neck and back are achy and stiff, but I can handle that.  I finally ate a bowl of soup, so I’m definitely recovering.  But these past fews days have really set me back.  I was going to spend those days crocheting all day at work and packing at home in the evening.  I haven’t had the strength to do anything.  Not to mention, I really couldn’t afford to miss two days of work.

I was talking to my mom earlier and crying my eyes out.  I just cant understand why all of this is happening now.  Everytime I start to get positive and excited and happy, something else happens.  What does it all mean?!

My mom said, “It doesn’t mean a damn thing.  That’s just life!  Don’t go trying to figure it all out because there is no reason.  Just feel what you gotta feel.”  She went on to tell me that there’s always hope in every situation and she wants me to feel excited about my future and the coming New Year.  She just wants me to focus on myself.

So, that’s what I’m gonna do.

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