21 Nov

I woke up yesterday morning from a terrible dream about Xavier and I.  It made me realize all of the fears and feelings that I’ve been pushing down.  That I haven’t been dealing with- that I’ve been trying to move past by ignoring.  I guess it doesn’t really work that way.

So, I started a conversation with him over text messages that he eventually stopped responding to.  And then I cried off and on all day.  It was a mess.

I think what I’m missing is closure.  I mean, the divorce isn’t even final yet but there are still so many open wounds and questions.  How did this happen?  What went wrong?  How am I EVER going to believe in marriage again?

I think I work things out in my dreams because I woke up today with some clarity.  I wasn’t happy.  I hadn’t been for some time thanks to everything that had been happening between us.  But I still had hope.  I was trying, working, praying, believing that we could change our circumstances.  I thought so because I believed that we wanted the same things.  That we loved each other.

I feel used.  Because he’s been checked out of the marriage for years but just hanging on to me for comfort. He doesn’t want to be alone.  He wanted a home and the comfort I brought to him, but not the responsibilities of being a husband.  He refused to communicate to the point of never being able to reach him- even though his friends could always get in touch with him.  He refused to be giving to me often completely ignoring significant times for me- like my 30th birthday.  When given rare opportunity to spend time with me, he would choose his friends instead.

I mean, COME ON.  All of the signs were there.  So WHY did he keep me around?  Why did he have me move back home?  Why did he keep insisting that he wanted me only to treat me like crap?  Why did he let me believe that we were going to start a family only to turn around and say that he wasn’t ready?

He was using me.

He never should have married me.  He was already looking outside of our marriage before we ever said I do.  I was deceived from the very beginning.  It makes me question every feeling I’ve ever had about him.  I can’t hang on to any good memories because there is an underlying question about what was real and what wasn’t.  THE LAST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE HAVE BEEN WASTED!

I can’t go back and change it.  All I can do is learn and accept and move forward.  I can’t imagine ever being able to trust someone again.  I can’t imagine wanting to set myself for this kind of pain again.

I shouldn’t have let him keep sucking me in again.  I knew deep down that he was no good.  He didn’t start out that way, but it didn’t take him long to get there.  Oh sure, he’s a charmer.  That’s how he reels you in- acting like a big ole teddy bear.  But it’s a facade.

I know this is all over the place, but I guess if I can take anything away from this disaster it would be to trust my gut and be strong enough to walk away before I let a relationship ruin my life again.  It’s possible that I’ll never  have that chance, but I’m determined to not let him steal the joy from my life like he has for too long now.

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