Life and Death

18 Dec

Right after my surgery earlier this year, my Aunt was hospitalized and diagnosed with small cell carcinoma, the most aggressive form of cancer.  Caused by only one thing: smoking cigarettes.  They caught it early and treated it aggressively.  We all thought she had it beat.  Then her next scan showed that it had moved from her lungs to her liver and pretty much taken it over.  That’s when they told her it was the beginning of the end.  She was determined to fight.

I traveled to Corpus Christi last weekend to help my mother start making arrangements and spend some time with my aunt while I can.  They have determined that the cancer spread to her spine and given her 6 weeks to live.  Hospice care has been brought in and we did our best to make her feel comfortable and happy.

While I was in town, I had a SERIOUS lapse in judgment.  I think it was a combination of re-reading some Love Dare posts earlier in the week and thinking about what I would regret if I were in my aunt’s position.  But I told him that I was willing to try to work things out.  I made promises, stopping just short of begging.  He totally rejected me.  It was so embarrassing, so humbling.  I felt like the world was swallowing me whole.  He had the nerve to ask me if we could still be friends.  Oh, have I mentioned that he’s already dating?

Anyway, I fell into this pit of despair.  Consumed in self-centered drama, I started thinking about death.  This is not new for me.  Suicidal thoughts, while not frequent, have been an issue for me since my teenage years.  Usually they are fleeting and an indication that I am not handling a situation well enough on my own.

This time it made me angry and scared.  Here is my aunt fighting for every minute she can squeeze out of her too short life and I’m going to let him make me feel like my life is over?!  But the thoughts kept coming.  That’s when I finally got down on my knees.  Why do I struggle so much to remember to pray?  It’s always a solution!  While my heart still aches, I know I’m going to survive.

I choose life and I’m strong enough to live it.

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