Just say it

5 Apr

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For about as long as I can remember, I’ve been a writer.  It started in diaries as a young girl and turned into poetry as a teenager.  It eventually turned into blogging as an adult.  It’s my outlet, my way of processing emotions and ideas.  I sometimes don’t quite understand life until I write about it.

I’ve been trying to write for the past few months without success.  I’ve got so many drafts, it’s kind of comical.  I get going and then bam- a wall goes up and I just can’t continue.  It’s been frustrating- being so close to the release I need and yet just not able to get it out.

I don’t know for sure what’s holding me back, but part of it is just not really wanting to say what I am honestly feeling because then I have to admit it.

So, I’m just gonna get it out.

Mostly, life is great.  I have a great job that I genuinely like and I’m getting paid well which never hurts.  I have my own apartment in town now.  It’s cute and cozy and cheap.  (Seriously, I’m making more money and the cost of living is so low!)  My boys and I live next to a little park with a lake which is fun for all of us.  I get to see family and friends all the time.  These people have known me most of my life and their support has been amazing.  I’m healthier and more peaceful than I’ve been in so long.

BUT I’m struggling internally.  Two things happened at the same time:

1.  I started dating.

2.  Xavier cut off all communication with me.

It’s not that he and I were really communicating other than the occasional email dealing with the divorce or our taxes, but a few weeks ago he let me know that he was changing his email and phone number and I was to never contact him again.  Not before he sent me one more scathing message about everything I did to deserve what happened to our marriage.  It was very upsetting.

A few days later, I had a little panic attack as the reality that I would probably never speak to him or see him again set in.  It feels surreal that this man I spent so many years with is just gone from my life.  The man I built my life around.  The man I created all of my dreams around.  That I fought so hard to keep.  He’s really gone.

I still feel married to him, as crazy as that may seem.  I don’t even understand why.  We were miserable most of the time that we were together, but I loved him and I believed in our marriage.  I still think that we could have worked things out.  I still feel like he got to make all of the choices.  I still don’t understand how I could have been so wrong.

I met a man named Billy about two weeks after the divorce was finalized and I blew him off.  I wasn’t ready.  It didn’t seem right to date yet.  But he was persistent and I finally gave him a chance about a month later.  I agreed to be his girlfriend about two weeks later.  I just broke it off a week ago.

It was painful.  It wasn’t right and I knew it, but I was letting him push me- which is exactly how my last relationship started.  I started gaining weight and not sleeping well.  I had no energy and was turning to old habits for relief.  I just couldn’t let it continue on.

I wanted to be ready for another man to love me, but I’m not.  I wanted to just be happy and move on, but I’m not and I can’t yet.  I’m getting there little by little.  I have to be okay with slow progress and trust myself to know what’s best.

What I know most of all is that I have to love myself more than anyone else.  I have to keep working on that.  Everything else will fall into place.

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