Dear Dad,

18 Aug

I have to admit I’m a little lost right now.  I’m mostly just going with whatever I feel these days because everything else seems so difficult.  I don’t know what I believe in anymore.  I don’t know what I want anymore.  I’m just drifting, and that scares me to death.  I’m tired of grasping at straws, clawing at the banks of this river of despair trying to take control of anything that might make me feel like I’m living my own life again.  I know I need to surrender, but I’m not sure what exactly I’ll be surrendering to.

Dad, if you never take anything I ever say to you seriously in my entire life- please listen now.  This is my cry for help.  And I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who can help me.  I know that I have to get some resolution if I’m ever going to have a healthy relationship with another man.  And I have to start feeling good about myself.

A friend of mine sent me this video today.

 Boyce Avenue – Broken Angel

I’m not sure how he knew.  I don’t talk about it to anyone.  I try not to think about how I feel like such a failure in your eyes.  I try to use logic to tell myself that it’s okay we don’t have the relationship that I wish we did.  But I can’t deny that little girl is in there wondering what’s wrong with her.  Why isn’t her daddy proud of her?  What should she do to win him over?  Is she even worthy of love?  Is it all her fault?  This is where I know I’m starting to lose you.  You don’t like this emotional stuff.  I know Dad, and I’m sorry.  But I can’t keep it in any longer.

Please don’t misunderstand.  I’m not bashing you or blaming you or hating you.  I love you so much.  You are a good man and I have never questioned that.  You took on three young girls and always worked hard to provide for us.  But I always knew you were unhappy.  And I always saw that sadness in your eyes when you really stopped to look at me.  Is it because I reminded you of Mom?  Because I reminded you of how much of a disaster that time was?  I need to know.

All I ever wanted was your approval.  I wanted to know that you thought I was good and wonderful and smart and beautiful.  But I feel like you thought I was damaged, problematic, annoying, emotionally unstable.  And maybe I am all of those things.  BUT I AM ALSO GOOD AND WONDERFUL AND SMART AND BEAUTIFUL!  And I deserve love and acceptance from you.  And I need it.  I need it so badly.

I need more than a phone call on my birthday and holidays.  I need more than small talk about work.  I need to see you more than Christmas and family reunions.  I need you to invite me to your home.  I need to know that you love me unconditionally and that you accept me for who I am and what I’ve become and even my many faults.  I have accepted yours.  And I love you no matter what mistakes were made.  Yes, it was a mess and yes, I’ve struggled because of the things that happened so early in my life.  But all is not lost, Dad.  Please don’t give up on me.

I love you.

Me

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