I’ve had an idea forming in my mind for some time now. A sense that this next stage is my life is about me being alone. I’ve fought the idea tooth and nail because, quite frankly, I don’t like it.
In fact, I pretty much hate it.
I want a family more than anything. I’m 32 and feel like time is running out. I just went through a divorce and spent the last part of it very lonely, why would I want more of that? I don’t want to rush into anything, but I feel like I have to get out there and try to find someone before it’s too late. I don’t want to end up alone.
Those are the subconscious thoughts running through my head all the time… Yikes.
That kind of mentality is not going to find me something healthy and stable and ultimately what I really want! I need to be okay inside of me if I’m going to find a relationship that will be fulfilling. I want to be worthy of a great partner, be able to recognize someone as such, and be in the right place to provide them with a great partner/relationship in return!
Which is the real reason I need to be alone right now.
When I love people, I put their needs before my own. It’s just my nature. I think in many ways, I do it on purpose. I do it to avoid myself and my issues. I don’t just do it with my significant other. I’ve been known to do it with my siblings, family and sometimes friends. I can’t do that right now.
This season is about me. And that makes me feel uneasy. I’m purposely putting myself in a position where I have no escape. I’m forcing myself to deal with myself. Gosh, that sounds really crazy to me… But it really, actually, totally makes sense.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way!