Savior

7 Oct
An Amarillo Sunrise

An Amarillo Sunrise

Dear Xavier,

It’s been nearly a year since I last saw or spoke to you.  We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms.  I’ve since moved away from any place that we ever lived together in.  Although, there was that one trip we made here for my Nana’s funeral and you and I talked about how beautiful it was and how we might like to live here.  I suppose there will always be little things like that when you spend so many years with someone.  In any case, I’ve been pretty surprised how much you’ve been on my mind lately.

It’s still hard for me to believe that this time two years ago, I was devastated over our separation.  I was in the middle of preparing to move to Lubbock and we had just filed for divorce.  I feel so far removed from all of that pain now.  Truly a blessing.  And yet, part of my mind still hasn’t moved past it.  Not fully.

I think I know why.  You and I both know the wrongs that we’ve done to each other, but I don’t think I’ve ever made proper amends to you for my role in the destruction of our marriage.

You and I both came into the relationship with childhood baggage.  We both came into the relationship “fixers”.  We both wanted to save each other from the great injustices we had suffered.  But I made the mistake of believing you would be my savior.  I let myself become so weak because it felt good to have someone who wanted to be strong for me.  And you did.  You wanted to be my savior at first.  You really tried, but there’s no way you could have succeeded.

By the time I realized my grave mistake, it was too late.  So much damage had been done and you resented me so much.  But we were too stubborn and scared to admit it.  So we just kept torturing each other until we finally couldn’t take it anymore.

Of course, there’s more.  I let anger consume me too often.  I said things I shouldn’t have.  I thought things I shouldn’t have.  I was paralyzed with depression too often.  I always believed that you would hurt me just like everyone I’ve ever loved.  What chance did you have?

*sigh*

I’m not quite ready to move on, but I’m getting close.  I’m working on becoming worthy of what I truly want.  I still wish we could have done better for each other, but I believe there was no other way for me to learn the painful lessons I had to learn.

I’ve forgiven.  You and me.  I hope you’ll find a way to do the same.

Praying for all the best for you.  -Me

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One Response to “Savior”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. There you are | brandidandy - September 2, 2015

    […] are actually of myself.  I understand why I’ve tried to find other people who would save me.  But more than anything, I’m learning how to heal […]

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