While we’re on the subject of depression…

12 Aug

I’ve shared some of my experience before.

But I think we need to keep talking about Depression.  Because it’s real.  It’s a problem.  It’s a real problem.

On the heels of Robin Williams’ suicide, I have felt impressed all day to share more about my own suicidal period.  I am very nervous about sharing this particular topic, but I know it’s important.

Most of my friends were unaware that I was depressed and were completely unaware that I was suicidal.  Heck, I wasn’t aware that I was suicidal.  Mostly, I felt completely overwhelmed with life.  I knew that I was lacking motivation and hope about life.  I’d been diagnosed with depression but did not like taking anti-depressants and generally didn’t take it seriously.

While I was visiting family last week, we looked at some photos taken during those years.  I take one look at myself and just wonder how we didn’t figure it out sooner.  It’s written all over my face.  I had changed so much from the girl I used to be.

I was an interior design major at the time and my parents had cut me off financially.  It is an incredibly expensive major and they highly recommend you do not have a job because of all the projects you have to complete.  I had no choice but work.  I applied for and was received a promotion that upped my responsibilities substantially.  That last semester, I was failing my classes for the first time ever.  I didn’t know what to do and felt like I didn’t have options.  I wasn’t sleeping, I was eating terribly, and at some point I just checked out.

I’ll never forget the night I almost took my own life.

I remember not feeling anything.  I remember very easily making the decision to overdose on medication and making a plan to have a friend discover me the next day.  (On a side note, that particular fact mortifies me to this day).  I wrote a note on my door for her to come on in and got in the shower.  While I was showering, I was running the plan through my head.  So cold and unemotional.  I was in another world.  An unfeeling world.

I had my Dido cd playing in my bedroom.  As I got out of the shower, I just happened to catch the words of the song playing-

I just want to be safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again

It was like something snapped awake in me.  I immediately started crying and shaking as I realized what I was about to do.  I prayed and got online to look for help.  I ended up finding a suicide hotline and started the process of changing my life.

I am incredibly grateful that I was saved that night.  I could have easily moved forward with my plan.  I don’t understand it now, but it was very real then.  I was not in my right mind.  I would never let myself get that point today.  And I know that my loved ones would get me help before it came to that again.

Hearing of others suicide and the outrage and wonder from others is always very sad to me.  I’m glad that it’s something you can’t understand, but I know there are MANY of us out there that can.  I pray that we will start to lift each others up who are suffering.


5 Responses to “While we’re on the subject of depression…”

  1. Jess at 7:44 pm #

    I didn’t know anything about that sister. It makes my heart hurt to know that you ever felt that way. I love you so much and I’m forever grateful for your life! Thank you for not taking it from me prematurely!

    • brandijanelle at 7:53 pm #

      You were too young at the time, Jess. I guess its not something I like to talk about. It would have been so selfish, and not once did I think about what it would have done to my family. I love you!

      • Jess at 1:20 am #

        Well the important thing is that you didn’t do it!

  2. Hannah Dunaway at 7:24 am #

    That’s a hard subject to share about ourselves sometimes and I’m proud of you for deciding to share it. At times I know I have gotten that depressed and when you’re in that mode you don’t think about reaching out and telling everyone and sometimes everyone is too busy in their own lives to realize just how depressed you’ve become. We all need to stop and take a moment to let each other know that we care about our individual family and friends sometimes!

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