Today is my first Mother’s Day. And I’m feeling mixed emotions.
For the past few years, I have stayed home from church on Mother’s Day. It was just too painful. And while I’m going today, I still feel a little dread. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like I’m not really a mom.
But I look at my life and I can’t deny that I am. I have this girl to care for and love. I can relate to her and her situation in a way that most others can’t. I know I have a purpose in her life.
Jami will see her mom for the first time in over three months today. They had a short phone call last night and shortly after, she fell apart. Crying and emotional about everything and super clingy. A little later, I was putting away laundry and she came to see me. I asked her what was going on and she broke down and said she missed her mommy.
It broke my heart. I’ve been in her shoes.
I just held her and tried to be positive. I wanted to take her hurt away, but I can’t. I put her to bed and made her laugh and she is in better spirits today. That’s what being a mother is to me. Giving her a loving and safe home.
This morning, I took a pregnancy test because my period is late. It was negative just like so many others before. I felt pretty stupid. I had a little conversation with God when I stopped taking birth control. I told him I was done being upset. If it happens, wonderful. If not, it’s ok.
I have a family. I’m a mom. Right now she’s sitting in bed with me as I type. We are chatting about a number of things. She’s told me several times that she loves me. This is exactly what I’ve always wanted.