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Fertility Frustration

7 Mar

I’m back!

I just don’t know how else to get all of this out!

I know that I’ve talked a little bit about how I wanted to lose weight in order to have babies here, but this blog has never really been about fertility. I’m not sure that it’s going to turn into that now, it’s just what I need to talk about right now.

I started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist in late 2009. The plan was to spend the next year charting temps/cervical fluid and try to lose as much weight as possible.

In October, I still hadn’t ovulated. I had been able to lose about 30 pounds. I was frustrated.

I headed back into my Dr. We talked about PCOS as one likely possibility and set out to try to get a diagnosis, but a wrench was thrown in the plan during my first sonogram. A large “mass” was detected on my uterus. A CT Scan and two more sonograms have brought us to today. We still don’t know exactly where the cyst is located other than adjacent to my left ovary.

Since it is so large and hasn’t changed one bit since the first sono in December, my Dr. has decided it’s time to move forward with a laparoscopic procedure. Not that you wanted to know, but I’m due for a period any day now. As soon as it’s over, I am supposed to call back to schedule the procedure. He is wanted to get it done as soon as possible, so I’m guessing it will be within the next two weeks.

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand this is good news because we couldn’t move forward with any fertility treatment or testing because we were monitoring the cyst and didn’t want to potentially make it grow. Once this is taken care of, we can hopefully move on. I’ve had to be on birth control for the last 3 months and will be on it for at least one month more which has been incredibly frustrating. All I really care about is getting pregnant these days and this would be a big step in this direction!

On the other hand, most of the research I’ve read advises against surgery if at all possible. You can often do more damage trying to remove the cyst which can cause more fertility issues. My Dr. believes there’s a good change the cyst is on my fallopian tube since it hasn’t changed. He said ovarian cysts tend to get bigger or smaller and rarely stay constant. If that’s the case, I could lose a fallopian tube.

My Dr. assured me he would avoid removal at all costs. It is an outpatient procedure, but I will go under anesthesia. I will be fully recovered in a week. Best case scenario is that the cyst is on my ovary, is benign and they can just drain it. Worst case scenario is that it is entangled or deeply embedded and actually requires a more massive surgery to be removed. Even if that’s the case, he won’t perform it that day unless there’s a medical emergency.

You know, just typing this all out is calming me down. I’m not afraid of the procedure really or they cyst, I just don’t want to diminish my chances of getting pregnant any more than it already is.

Oh, and the weight is still an issue. I have lost another 13 pounds since October, but I’ve hit a plateau and it’s going to take some more effort on my part to push on through.

I don’t know how regularly I’m going to make it back here, but I hope to be able to chronicle some of this. I’ve been struggling with some depression (one of the lovely side effects of this birth control) but it would probably help to talk about it more.


4 Jun

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling like I’m in some kind of slump.  I wasn’t feeling well yesterday and I think it threw me off.  I’m no where near on plan today and well, just not feeling particularly motivated.  NOT a good way to start the weekend!

So, I decided maybe I needed a little reminder about why I’m going to so much trouble to begin with.

This is actually my neice.  I imagine our children will look something like her.  She belongs to my husband’s brother and his wife.  Gabby looks alot like my deceased mother-in-law.

The thought of holding a sweet little chunk like her is just what I needed.

A Big Deal

21 May

One of my favorite weight-loss blogs is Jack Sh*t, Getting Fit.  Jack is hilarious and straight forward- and I appreciate that.  He regularly does posts like this or this and they crack me up!

A few weeks ago, Jack asked his readers to write their own white notecards about why they want to get fit.  It has turned into a whole series called Why I do this here (W.I.D.T.H.).  I was super excited to visit his blog today and see that my card was featured in his latest post.

And you know what?  It was just the reminder I needed today.  It brought back my motivation.  I started to get really down on myself last night- how surprising!  I had to keep telling myself- “You are trying to change your entire lifestyle!  It’s going to be tough and it’s not going to be pretty!  Hang in there and keep up the good work.”

What is your motivation?


13 Oct

Today is Riley’s funeral. He was only 19 months old last week when he died of blunt force trauma to his abdomen. He would have just been another faceless victim to me (for which I would still have mourned), but my sister photographed him months ago for his first birthday. I had admired his smile, the sparkle in his eyes, his cute little teeth. I was devastated to learn of his death, especially knowing that his own mother was arrested in connection with his death. It is heartbreaking, madening, and confusing.

Dear God,
I just can’t understand.
Why does this happen? How could ANYONE hurt a child? Why are there so many blessed with children who can’t even take care of them- when there are so many who could and can’t have them.
I know there is a reason for everything. But I can’t honestly fathom it.

Winning Wednesday- Week 1

28 Jul
Awww, isn’t he precious?

A girl I went to high school with is now a portrait photographer with a quite successful business in Lubbock. I know this because she has photographed most of my friend’s children and families. You can check out her work HERE.

So what does this have to do with Winning Wednesday??? I want one. A baby. In ways that I don’t even know how to express. My body just gravitates towards them and I’m left with a yearning that defies all logic. It’s time, and I know it with every fiber of my being…

The rub is that I have to do some serious work on my health first. Of course that includes losing some weight, but more importantly it means making some serious lifestyle changes. I know what I need to do, but I’ve lacked the motivation… but not any more.

I am not even going to call it dieting- I’m not going to count calories or points or whatever. I am just going to eat what is good and in the right proportions. And I’m going to get some exercise. And I’m going to take vitamins. And I’m going to get enough sleep. And I’m going to do everything that I need to do to be healthy.

I will be posting every week with pictures and progress. But first, I need your help!

Please suggest your favorite workout tunes! Mine is Knights of Cydonia by Muse… I am trying to fill up my iPod with motivating music!