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Delete?

15 Apr
Image Source: Google Images

Image Source: Google Images

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been working on some blog maintenance/clean up lately.  In that process, I’ve had to face the fact that most of my blogging revolved around my marriage.  I’m working pretty hard on moving past that portion of my life and it’s been tough reading posts like this and this.

I started wondering if maybe I should delete the posts and start over.

My blogging really took off when I started The Love Dare, so I’d really hate to get rid of those posts.  Especially since it was The Love Dare that really changed my spiritual life.

Then, I thought about everything else. Do I get rid of every post that has anything to do with him?  Anything to do with being married?  Do I keep everything because it’s part of my journey?

I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and I’m still not sure.  I think I should at least get rid of posts like the ones I linked above.  What do you think?

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Looking Back

13 Apr
A beautiful Corpus Christi morning

A beautiful Corpus Christi morning

Last weekend, I was working on the blog. I was mostly going through old posts and categorizing all of the uncategorized ones.  My OCD has been kicking in now that I’m blogging again semi-regularly.

As I was going through some old posts, I just happened to stumble on some from exactly two years ago.

I don’t know how to describe what it felt like to read about where I was two years ago.  It’s surreal and heartbreaking and enlightening.

I read this post first.  I totally forgot that this time two years ago, I was right in the thick of our infertility issues.  I had just undergone surgery and been told by my Reproductive Endocrinologist that my best bet was inVitro.

There’s a good chance that I’ve healed some.  There’s even a chance that my situation has changed drastically.  I know I’m still dealing with PCOS, but so are thousands of other women who have babies all the time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I still have hope.  I feel like I will be a mother.  Even if it’s not to my own biological child.  But I think there’s still a chance for me.

Magic

11 Jun

I’m making blogs disappear and reappear like David Copperfield these days!

Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t have been so open with my feelings here and on Facebook.  I wasn’t thinking about the potential consequences for my husband.  I honestly wasn’t concerned about him at all- I mean, he made his bed…  It was never my intention to smear his name, I was only reacting out of my extreme pain.  In any case, I decided that I probably shouldn’t post anything about any of it anymore.

Except, this is my method of release.  The last 5 days of my life have been pure hell, and only made worse because I have no way to let it out.  Not to mention that I have felt extreme judgment for my decisions and actions.

I can’t stay silent any longer.  I need to be able to say that I feel betrayed and abandoned.  I need to be able to say that I’ve prayed and prayed and KNOW that I’m making the right decision.  I need to be able to admit my fears, broken heart, hope, and faith.  Everything that exists in this world was created by God, including pain, sorrow, anger.  They serve a purpose.  I should be able to express these valid emotions without fear of repercussion.

This isn’t my fault.  My husband is human and makes mistakes.  That doesn’t mean I have to repeatedly forgive him especially when he shows no interest in changing his behaviors.  (Have I mentioned that he has yet to apologize?)  Oh, have I mentioned he tried to throw me out of our home yesterday?

These are REAL things that are REALLY happening in my life right now.  I wish I could paint you some fake rosy picture like I’ve allowed myself to do for far too long.  I love him, but I love ME more.

Huh?!

26 Jan

“So… A new blog name. Really? Why?

Hmmm, good question. And there really is a good answer, but it’s a bit of a story. Care to listen?

Back in 2005, I joined Myspace and started blogging there. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I just used it as a way to keep my family informed and also to express myself. There was no rhyme or reason, no structure, but I loved it. Back in the summer of ’08, I started blogging about my weight loss attempts and found it thrilling. It was cathartic for me and I got so much support from my friends through the blog. I was hooked.

About the same time, two things happened:

1. Myspace was being replaced by Facebook.
2. I discovered Blogger.

So without doing any research as to how start a blog- I set out and failed miserably at two blogs. No catchy name, no real “theme”, no consistency… They sucked.

Then one more thing happened: My marriage was failing. Cue- The Love Dare. We saw Fireproof, I went and bought the book, and with some online research saw that many couples were blogging about their experiences. Hence, La Vida Ledesma was born.

I had a name, I had a theme, I had consistency- I had a successful blog! But then, it wasn’t really about the blog. I worked hard to finish that 40-day Love Dare. It was tough, but so worth it. Through that process, I actually learned so much about myself and I had a spiritual breakthrough. But eventhough it was amazing for me, my husband felt differently about it. In the end, it didn’t have the desired effect on our marriage and within months we separated.

That’s when the bottom dropped out for me folks. I was so broken, but at the same time this resolve emerged. I was determined to pull myself out of that hole and emerge a stronger person than I’ve ever been.

I abandoned La Vida Ledesma and started a new blog. Butterflying Brandi was my attempt to get my stuff together. You can read about the meaning behind the name here. And it was incredibly therapeutic to write about what I was doing, experiencing, learning. This amazing thing happened:

When I started working on myself (instead of my marriage) the marriage just started working itself out. Isn’t that wierd? I learned alot from that. Made me see just how much of a role I played in our problems. I don’t want to make it sounds like I’m the only one who needed to do work, it’s not like that at all. But what I found is that it was okay for me to make the first steps. I didn’t have to worry about him or us. I just needed to worry about me.

And then an even more amazing thing happened which you can read about here. We had no clue or plan to find our faith when we did, but isn’t that how all the great things in life happen? Reading the Scriptures, praying, and sharing the gospel bring us closer in ways that I couldn’t have fathomed before. Of course, we continue to have our struggles, but I’ve been amazed that we remain diligent about our faith and focusing on better ourselves- we seem to resolve our issues.

But the most amazing thing of all that has happened to me (and I’m getting to the end, I promise) is personal revelation. My entire life view has shifted. Which sounds major (and it is) but at the same time it had to happen with all of this newly found knowledge.

My blog tagline was “I’m on a journey. I don’t know where it ends, but I know it begins with me.” Now I know that isn’t true. I KNOW where that journey ends but I won’t get there until I’m dead. It didn’t begin with me either, but I am on a journey for sure. I also realized that I’m never going to reach perfection in this lifetime, but that’s ok. I can be happy and imperfect. But that doesn’t mean I should also just be content the way I am. I should always be striving to improve. I found this quote last week that perfectly sums up what I’ve been feeling.

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.” -Winston Churchill

Thanks to Miley, “the climb” is a pretty cheesy idea these days, but stop and think about what that really means. Yes, our journey will eventually end, but not while we are alive. As long as there is blood pumping through my veins and a thought in my brain, I will have room to improve.

I don’t know about you, but that is incredibly freeing to me. That I don’t have to meet some deadline (no pun intended). And I will fail. I will not be perfect. But that is part of the process.

So, that’s why this blog is titled: La Vida Subida. Roughly translated, it means Life’s Climb. If you were to put it into a translator it would also come up with Life Increase, which I like too. Plus it goes well with La Vida Ledesma which is making a comeback with a fresh voice soon.

I’m Being Followed!

9 Mar

Thanks, Brandy, for becoming my very first follower! Now, if I can just get a few more… 🙂

Third time is the charm, right?

3 Mar

This is my 3rd and hopefully final attempt at beginning a blog. I have faithfully blogged on Myspace for YEARS, but I have not been successful at crossing over into mainstream blogging. I like the idea of an entirely separate place for my blog (especially since I am rarely checking Myspace anymore). So, here we go again! This time I promise to keep on top of the blog and use it for every blog.

So much of my life is a fresh start at the moment, so why not this too?! Speaking of which, I know that many of you have been worried about me, but I want you to know that I am wonderful. I am so happy now and couldn’t have made a better decision for myself and my family. Leaving teaching was hard, but it was the right thing to do. Isn’t it always that way?

I am absolutely blessed with the opportunity to return to a job that I loved and gives me the opportunity to be a better wife. I feel healthier, happier, and most of all lucky. All it took was a leap of faith. Thank you God!