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Good at Goodbye

5 Oct

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Almost exactly 3 years after I left Corpus Christi, I will be returning there to live. Yes, I don’t quite believe it myself. I’m pretty sure I said never more than once in reference to this possibility.

But here I am.

I originally moved to Corpus Christi in early 2001. I had been battling depression and left college to live with my mom and get help. I ended up getting my first real job there, graduating college there, and eventually meeting and marrying my now ex-husband there. It was our divorce that made me run as far away from Corpus Christi as I could back in 2011.

When I left Corpus Christi, I was someone I don’t recognize today. The first two years in Lubbock helped me get on my feet and pointed me in the right direction. The past year in Amarillo has led to the greatest personal growth in my life.

While I’ve loved Amarillo for its people and weather and natural beauty, I’ve hated my job. There’s nothing wrong with the company. I’ve worked hard and we have been successful. Recruiting is just not for me.

I’ve been praying for a way to shift to a less stressful career without losing the ability to provide for myself. I want energy and time to devote to the more important things in life.

He provides.

My former boss in Corpus Christi reached out to me last week and made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. It’s exactly what I was hoping for. But the job isn’t the only reason I’m going…

I will be close to my sisters. I will be able rejoin Twisted Sisters, the crochet business my sister and I started several years ago. I can get involved with GROW Local South Texas and the Downtown Farmer’s Market. I will be able to reconnect with old friends. These are all factors that helped me decide, but it wasn’t easy.

As many times as I’ve said it, I am still not good at goodbye. I’ve cried everyday since I made the decision. There are people here and in Lubbock that I don’t want to be that far from. I don’t want to leave my ward or my callings. I’m so sad about it. And I absolutely despise packing.

I have felt a little foolish for heading back to a place I lived just 3 years ago, but I’m coming back a much stronger person. I needed this time to find myself and progress. I needed to heal, and I did.  I needed to let go, and I did.

I’m looking forward to what the future holds!

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Expectations

7 Sep

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Hey, guess what?  I moved a week ago.  One looooooooong week ago.

It’s been tough.  I’m not even going to lie.  Let me start by telling you about how I thought I accidentally poisoned both of my dogs.

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When I got to my new place, I removed a package of mouse/rat poison from in between the fridge and stove.  I looked to make sure I didn’t miss any pieces but obviously didn’t look good enough.  When I got home from church Sunday, I found a pellet in my bedroom.  My stomach sank to my knees.  Google, phone calls to vets, and prayers kept me from losing my mind. We are out of the woods now.  If they ate anything, it must have been a very small amount.  Thank heavens.

Then I started my new job.  I think my new co-workers expected me to know more than I did.  Maybe I expected to know more than I do.  Maybe I know more than I realize.  I’ve been with this company for nearly 2 years, but in a completely different role.  I’ve seen/heard everything that I’m now responsible for, but it’s a different thing to actually do it yourself.  That being said, I had what I considered some success.  I interviewed a number of candidates, filled a number of job openings and even started building relationships with some clients.

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I dropped my phone in that toilet Thursday morning.  First time I’ve ever dropped a phone in the toilet, but I digress.

I was starting to feel pretty good about things until yesterday.  This whole situation is naturally stressful.  New home, new city, new job…  For a routined person like me, it’s difficult.  I knew it would be, but the eternal optimist in me also wants to believe everything will be peachy.  I’m sure that’s why it was so upsetting when contention showed up at work yesterday.  Just when I was wondering what I was doing here, I got a call from the owner of the company.  He gave me a little ray of hope, which was followed by a terrible afternoon.  I’ve cried and prayed and cried and prayed.

Here’s the thing.  Everything is going to be okay.  It’s going to take time.  It’s going to take patience.  It’s going to take obedience and prayer.  But everything is going to be okay.  There’s something for me to learn here.  I’m sure of it.  I know my Heavenly Father loves me and he is providing for me.  As long as I have that knowledge, I have everything I need.

Lubbock and Leave it

28 Aug

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Dear Lubbock,

I came to you battered and bruised.  I came to you without hope or vision of my future.  I came to you for comfort and clarity, but I’m leaving with so much more.

Almost two years ago, I knew I had to come to you.  I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to.  Eventhough you were my home until I was 17, you felt foreign at first.  I showed up in the winter and my icy heart felt right at home.  

But then you surprised me with a great job and a cozy place to live that I could actually afford.  And spring arrived as I was settling in.  I started to wonder if maybe I could trust myself after all.

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It was a bumpy ride for a while.  I made so many mistakes, but you were so forgiving and understanding.  You kept me steady when I wanted to fall apart.  Your people, your sunsets, your familiarity made me feel safe and welcome and home.

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I really fell in love with you this year.  Once I got involved with the Caprock ward and decided to focus solely on my spiritual health, my whole life changed.  My heart changed.

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Then my career changed.  And it meant that I had to leave you behind.  This pains my heart more than I can accurately express.  But I’ve prayed about it and I know it’s what I must do.

Please don’t think for a moment that it means I don’t love you.  I certainly do.  I’ve shed so many tears at the thought of leaving you, but I have to admit that I’m excited too.

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You healed me.  You gave me the opportunity to move past the horror I’d been living with for too long.  Now it’s time for a truly fresh start.  And that’s exactly what this is.

So, thank you.  I love you.  And I’ll be back.

Brandi

Upgrades

28 May
No, not that kind of upgrade!

I’m talking about my blog folks!  After writing on the world wide web for several years, it looks like I finally have a viable audience!  I say it’s all thanks to HYC!  It brought so many new readers to my blog, AND introduced me to so many fabulous blogs I had NO clue about. 

My follower count has gone from 1 follower (You Rock Amber) to nearly 20 in just about a week!  And sitemeter shows that there are many more visitors than followers!  Not that I do this all for the glory, but it’s kinda cool knowing that people are actually reading my ramblings.

In any case, I’m taking this blog much more seriously now.  I now have my own Facebook page!  (You should come be a fan!)  And I’m going to be working on a face lift over the weekend and I’ll be coming up with a game plan for posting!  Wow, I feel like such a grown-up blogger now.

You should go check out the 100 in 365 tab.  I put some picturas up in there for your viewing pleasure!  (P.S. I live in South Texas, so it’s okay for me to throw in some espanol… We call it Tex-Mex)  I plan to update pictures and measurements once a month!

If you have any suggestions as to what you’d like to see me do with my blog (i.e. content, posts, etc.), I’d love to hear them!

See, What Had Happened Was…

23 Jan

I’m not really sure where to begin. I left the blog months ago without much of an explanation. So, I guess I just need to begin there.

In August of 2009, Xavier and I separated. It was all based on one particular event that I really don’t want to go into detail about. You can read about it here. As a result, I felt this determination to take the focus off the marriage and turn it to myself. I had just spent months working on The Love Dare, and what I had realized is that it wasn’t enough. So, I set off on a new journey- one that is still in progress which you can read about here.
Basically I spent the next 3 months focused on taking care of myself, and the relationship started to repair itself. We both realized that we had a lot of work to do, but we wanted to do it. We wanted to save our marriage.
We reunited in Salt Lake City, Halloween weekend which also started a brand new journey that weekend without realizing it. As a result, we have since converted and are now member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You can read all about that here.
Xavier was sent home shortly after my visit and it gave us the opportunity to work on us face-to-face. It hasn’t been perfect, but we are still a work in progress. Our faith has strengthened us in a way that I really can’t explain. I feel closer to him that I’ve ever felt before.
As of today, everything is stable. We’re both working. We’re both happy. We’re both healthy. We’re both ready to move forward.