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My Miracle

18 Jul

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I don’t think it was a coincidence when I discovered that my ex-husband was getting re-married just a few days after I went to the temple to receive my endowment.  It was designed to throw me off course, and sadly it did.

I’ve been struggling with happiness and peace for months now and mostly blaming it on work, but knowing that it was more.  It’s funny how you can know something and yet not understand it at all.

I hit an especially low point back on the 4th of July.  I was feeling particularly lonely.  I had plenty of options that day and many people that I could spend time with, but all I could think about was the loss of family.

Holidays were a time, in my former life, that I was surrounded by family.  We would barbecue and invite everyone over to celebrate.  It was “our thing”.  And now, well it’s just not that way.  And I realized, once again, how much I’m still mourning my marriage.  Not my ex-husband, but the marriage.  And how exactly do you get over that?  I just haven’t figured it out yet.

I shared all of this with a close friend and she frankly told me that it was time to pray and ask Heavenly Father to remove the pain and loss from me.  I’m not sure why, but I had never thought of that option.  Would He just remove it for me?

This past Sunday, I felt so low and decided that I had to try.  I prayed with all of my might and asked Heavenly Father to remove the pain and the burden of the difficult marriage and subsequent divorce.  I told him that I trusted He would.  And I went to sleep.

I remember feeling well-rested Monday morning, but honestly forgot all about the fact that I had said this prayer.  It has been an amazing week for me.  I’m feeling a level of peace and happiness that has eluded me for a while now.  I have so much more hope and drive.  It’s night and day really.

Driving to work this morning, a song came on the radio…  A song which should have constricted my heart like it usually does and made me remember how broken my heart still is…  Only, I felt nothing.  Surprised, my prayer came flooding back to me and I wondered if it could be true!  I made myself think of memories I have dared not remember, and once again…  NOTHING.

Tears started streaming down my face as gratitude washed over me.  I nearly sang a prayer of thanks for this very personal miracle my loving Heavenly Father gave to me.

Finally, I’m free.

The Green Monster

8 Feb

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I accidentally found out that my ex-husband is engaged the other night… To the same woman he was living with before our divorce was even final. To the same woman he left to come back to me 18 months ago.

I feel…

Look, I don’t want him back. I don’t want to deal with the constant infidelity, lying, fighting etc.

I’ve already taken him back once since the divorce and he was unfaithful almost immediately.
I don’t need or want that in my life.

I know for certain that I have changed. I’ve worked hard to move past all of the negative that developed during the years of that unhealthy relationship. I’m not perfect, but my heart is changed.

But it still hurts. It hurts because I loved him and I wanted it to work.

It hurts because I’m lonely.

And I think if I’m really honest, this all boils down to jealousy. Why does he get to be loved and I don’t? Why do people continue to accept him even after he hurts them?

I don’t want this bitterness in my heart. I don’t like it one bit. So, I’m going to pray. Pray for a change of heart. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for him and his soon to be wife.

Truly, I’m praying for him. I hope he has faced his demons. I hope he is happy and healthy. I hope this for all involved.

The Experiment

22 Dec

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A few months ago, my ward’s Relief Society was passing around a book- The Faith Experiment, by Laurel Christensen. This little book that took me an hour to read packed a powerful message and helped me realize that I was standing in the way of my hopes and dreams.

When my divorce was finalized two years ago, I decided my chances of having a family died with it. I made this decision in order to protect myself from further disappointment and pain. A family is all I had desired for so long, but I knew I didn’t want to just run into my next relationship with only that in mind. I knew it would take time for me to be truly ready to love again. Considering that I was already in my early 30’s, time wasn’t exactly on my side.

It was easier to believe that I would just remain alone.

The problem is that my heart knows better. I still long for that family. The spirit whispers that a family is out there for me. Deep down there is still hope.

The problem is that I’ve been to afraid believe it. What if it never happens? Can I survive another heartbreak? Will my heart harden if I don’t get what I ask for? Am I even worthy enough to want such a blessing?

It’s a crisis of Faith.

I have to believe that my righteous desire for a family will be provided if I just ask, act, and believe.

I have to pray to my Heavenly Father and ask for Him to provide the desires of my heart. This has been the hardest for me to do so far. I promise to do it tonight.

I have to do everything in my power to be worthy and prepared. This requires my dedication and action. I have to show that I am ready for the blessing.

Finally, I have to believe that a family will be provided to me. Without faith, I will surely fail.

I’m ready to take the leap!

Everybody needs a little forgiveness

7 Apr
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My beautiful mother, sisters, and I

This time last week, I was in Corpus Christi visiting two of my sisters and our mother.  She drove down from Charlotte and we all had a wonderful Easter together.  It was the first time in years that we weren’t brought together by tragedy.  I am so incredibly grateful that we have all made it through the wilderness of those dark times and seem to all be doing well for once!  It was probably the happiest time we’ve all had together.

I was pretty nervous before my trip.  The few times I’ve been back to Corpus Christi since my separation were short trips when my aunt was put into hospice and then for her memorial.  The last time I went, this past September, was another short trip to move my sister and cousin back.  That’s when my ex-husband decided to show up and turn my life upside down again.

This was my first real trip back since my divorce.  I wondered how I was going to feel spending an extended amount of time in the place that didn’t feel like home until he came along.  I worried I might run into him or his family.  I thought I might find myself looking for him everywhere we went.  But that didn’t happen.

On my last day there, we were running around doing some shopping.  I was zoned out as we drove down a busy street.  I snapped out of it and realized I was starting at a blue truck.  Then I thought, that kinda looks like his truck.  It wasn’t his, but I realized that I hadn’t been looking for him at all.

Another night, after family pictures, my step-dad wanted to take us all to dinner.  The restaurant he chose was the location of my first date with him.  I mentioned it at dinner and I could tell my family was concerned that I was upset, but I was surprised to realize that it wasn’t upsetting at all.

I’m so glad that I’m finally getting to this point.  I’m letting go.  I”m moving on.

You know what I think it is?  I’m finally forgiving myself.  I forgave him long ago, but I have felt so much anger toward myself.  Especially for letting him back in this last time.  I’ve been working on repentance through my church and I can feel my heart getting lighter and lighter.  It’s amazing what a little forgiveness can do.

 

I’m moving on

3 Mar

So, I don’t wanna talk about it.

That’s whats kept me from blogging all of these months. I felt like I had to explain whats been going/what happened a few months ago. Most of the people who read this blog anymore are people I know in real life. You already have some idea about what I’ve been up to.

I’ve tried writing about it, but I just don’t want to talk about it. I want to move on. Finally!

I don’t want to give him or this anymore space in my life, head, heart.

So…

I’m back!

Just say it

5 Apr

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For about as long as I can remember, I’ve been a writer.  It started in diaries as a young girl and turned into poetry as a teenager.  It eventually turned into blogging as an adult.  It’s my outlet, my way of processing emotions and ideas.  I sometimes don’t quite understand life until I write about it.

I’ve been trying to write for the past few months without success.  I’ve got so many drafts, it’s kind of comical.  I get going and then bam- a wall goes up and I just can’t continue.  It’s been frustrating- being so close to the release I need and yet just not able to get it out.

I don’t know for sure what’s holding me back, but part of it is just not really wanting to say what I am honestly feeling because then I have to admit it.

So, I’m just gonna get it out.

Mostly, life is great.  I have a great job that I genuinely like and I’m getting paid well which never hurts.  I have my own apartment in town now.  It’s cute and cozy and cheap.  (Seriously, I’m making more money and the cost of living is so low!)  My boys and I live next to a little park with a lake which is fun for all of us.  I get to see family and friends all the time.  These people have known me most of my life and their support has been amazing.  I’m healthier and more peaceful than I’ve been in so long.

BUT I’m struggling internally.  Two things happened at the same time:

1.  I started dating.

2.  Xavier cut off all communication with me.

It’s not that he and I were really communicating other than the occasional email dealing with the divorce or our taxes, but a few weeks ago he let me know that he was changing his email and phone number and I was to never contact him again.  Not before he sent me one more scathing message about everything I did to deserve what happened to our marriage.  It was very upsetting.

A few days later, I had a little panic attack as the reality that I would probably never speak to him or see him again set in.  It feels surreal that this man I spent so many years with is just gone from my life.  The man I built my life around.  The man I created all of my dreams around.  That I fought so hard to keep.  He’s really gone.

I still feel married to him, as crazy as that may seem.  I don’t even understand why.  We were miserable most of the time that we were together, but I loved him and I believed in our marriage.  I still think that we could have worked things out.  I still feel like he got to make all of the choices.  I still don’t understand how I could have been so wrong.

I met a man named Billy about two weeks after the divorce was finalized and I blew him off.  I wasn’t ready.  It didn’t seem right to date yet.  But he was persistent and I finally gave him a chance about a month later.  I agreed to be his girlfriend about two weeks later.  I just broke it off a week ago.

It was painful.  It wasn’t right and I knew it, but I was letting him push me- which is exactly how my last relationship started.  I started gaining weight and not sleeping well.  I had no energy and was turning to old habits for relief.  I just couldn’t let it continue on.

I wanted to be ready for another man to love me, but I’m not.  I wanted to just be happy and move on, but I’m not and I can’t yet.  I’m getting there little by little.  I have to be okay with slow progress and trust myself to know what’s best.

What I know most of all is that I have to love myself more than anyone else.  I have to keep working on that.  Everything else will fall into place.

Final

24 Dec

Two major parts of my life were finalized this past week- my aunt’s life and my marriage.

Both surreal.  Both bittersweet.

We scattered her ashes in the ocean just before dawn.  I didn’t actually watch my cousin release her.  All I could look at was the waves coming up on the shore.  Coming in and moving back out.  Washing away, making new.

Michele believed in me.  She saw so much more in me than I ever did.  She wanted me to be more, to move on and live my life.  And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I love you Michele.  I can feel you with me.  And I know someday we will see each other again.

Life and Death

18 Dec

Right after my surgery earlier this year, my Aunt was hospitalized and diagnosed with small cell carcinoma, the most aggressive form of cancer.  Caused by only one thing: smoking cigarettes.  They caught it early and treated it aggressively.  We all thought she had it beat.  Then her next scan showed that it had moved from her lungs to her liver and pretty much taken it over.  That’s when they told her it was the beginning of the end.  She was determined to fight.

I traveled to Corpus Christi last weekend to help my mother start making arrangements and spend some time with my aunt while I can.  They have determined that the cancer spread to her spine and given her 6 weeks to live.  Hospice care has been brought in and we did our best to make her feel comfortable and happy.

While I was in town, I had a SERIOUS lapse in judgment.  I think it was a combination of re-reading some Love Dare posts earlier in the week and thinking about what I would regret if I were in my aunt’s position.  But I told him that I was willing to try to work things out.  I made promises, stopping just short of begging.  He totally rejected me.  It was so embarrassing, so humbling.  I felt like the world was swallowing me whole.  He had the nerve to ask me if we could still be friends.  Oh, have I mentioned that he’s already dating?

Anyway, I fell into this pit of despair.  Consumed in self-centered drama, I started thinking about death.  This is not new for me.  Suicidal thoughts, while not frequent, have been an issue for me since my teenage years.  Usually they are fleeting and an indication that I am not handling a situation well enough on my own.

This time it made me angry and scared.  Here is my aunt fighting for every minute she can squeeze out of her too short life and I’m going to let him make me feel like my life is over?!  But the thoughts kept coming.  That’s when I finally got down on my knees.  Why do I struggle so much to remember to pray?  It’s always a solution!  While my heart still aches, I know I’m going to survive.

I choose life and I’m strong enough to live it.

No More Faking It

6 Dec

Random picture of my little Christmas tree!

Yesterday was quite a day.  I woke up to snow which was cool.  I had to head into Lubbock early because I had to get set up for a temp job I was going to work Tuesday and Wednesday and I also had an interview later in the afternoon.  I had all of these glorious plans to get so many things done.  The streets didn’t look bad at all, so I made no adjustments before I headed out around 6:30am.

This is where I have to stop and give a little geography lesson.  Lubbock, TX sits on top of a caprock which is why it’s so flat, but you get  a little ways out of town and you head down into canyons where it’s anything BUT flat.  Post, TX is just down off of the caprock.  As soon as I got up that hill and onto the caprock, I knew I was in trouble.  ICE.  EVERYWHERE.  But I pressed forward.  There was a path worn in the road already and I was just going to take it slow and steady.  I traveled about 10 miles when I guess I got a little too confident.

The car in front of me kept slowing down for no apparent reason, so I decided to gently pass her.  I guess I forgot that my tires are nearly bald and need to be replaced.  As I was merging back in front of her, I started to skid.

I grew up in this weather!  I know how to handle a skid…  I took my foot off the gas like I was supposed to but it felt like the car accelerated anyway which made me panic.  I started overcorrecting and when I started spinning I hit the brakes flinging me off the road and down into a plowed cotton field.  I basically did everything I shouldn’t have done.  AND I felt like an idiot.  All of it was totally my own dang fault.

My car was perpendicular to traffic and I was facing an embankment that was super steep and about as tall as my vehicle.  I’ll spare all the details but a very nice gentleman tried to help me but was unsuccessful.  I tried using my emergency roadside assistance with Geico but they couldn’t get any tow trucks out in the snowstorm.  Eventually, a State Trooper came to my rescue and spent quite a bit of time getting me back on the highway.  He then scolded me for the condition of my tires and sent me back to Post.

I was going to try to salvage the day by working on Christmas gifts so I checked me bank acct only to find a mystery charge on my acct from Blockbuster.  I knew that my card was associated with the Blockbuster acct that we always used back in Corpus Christi, so this required a call to him.

I hate having to call him.  I hate the fact that I want to talk to him as much as I do.  I hate the fact that it makes me feel better to hear his voice.  I hate the fact that it is also excrutiatingly painful- like opening newly scabbed wounds.  We took care of the business at hand but then I just couldn’t get off the phone yet.  We ended up having a long conversation and I felt a little better when it was over.

In my Thanksgiving post, I mentioned that I was going to “fake it til I make it” when it came to being grateful for my marriage and him.  He and I had previously talked about how I honestly didn’t know what I had gained from the 7+ years that we were together because even memories are tainted now with questions.  But I admitted to him last night that I know for certain one blessing that came from our time together.  My relationship with Jesus Christ.

It was through my desparation that I began looking for answers, resolutions to our problems.  It was in that state that I discovered The Love Dare.  It was through that book and the work it had me do, that I gained my first testimony of Jesus Christ.  It’s not that I didn’t believe before, I just didn’t understand.  I now have a personal relationship and it is everything.  I think it took the humbling experiences and struggles in my marriage to make me able to accept the gospel and appreciate the gift of love.

My trials have been numerous.  Some have been solely the result of others choices and some have been of my own doing.  I continue to be humbled by my circumstances.  I believe that this life is meant to be difficult, that we are meant to struggle to endure.  But we also have to find ways to be grateful.

I’m thankful that I wasn’t injured or anyone else for that matter yesterday.  I’m lucky that my vehicle seems to be fine as well.  I’m grateful for my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I get to experience all of the joy and pain of this life because of His sacrifice.

Shaved Legs

30 Nov

I shaved my legs for the first time in two months today.  Not the most monumental development, I know but hear me out.

I’ve been feeling lighter lately.  Happier.  I’m still dealing with divorce drama and trying to find a job and trying to figure out how to be okay, but all of that is just a little bit easier all of a sudden.  I don’t know when or how, but I turned a corner recently.
And I felt like shaving my legs.  Not for anyone else, for me.  I felt like taking care of myself and feeling good.  Now, that is progress in my book.