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My Miracle

18 Jul

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I don’t think it was a coincidence when I discovered that my ex-husband was getting re-married just a few days after I went to the temple to receive my endowment.  It was designed to throw me off course, and sadly it did.

I’ve been struggling with happiness and peace for months now and mostly blaming it on work, but knowing that it was more.  It’s funny how you can know something and yet not understand it at all.

I hit an especially low point back on the 4th of July.  I was feeling particularly lonely.  I had plenty of options that day and many people that I could spend time with, but all I could think about was the loss of family.

Holidays were a time, in my former life, that I was surrounded by family.  We would barbecue and invite everyone over to celebrate.  It was “our thing”.  And now, well it’s just not that way.  And I realized, once again, how much I’m still mourning my marriage.  Not my ex-husband, but the marriage.  And how exactly do you get over that?  I just haven’t figured it out yet.

I shared all of this with a close friend and she frankly told me that it was time to pray and ask Heavenly Father to remove the pain and loss from me.  I’m not sure why, but I had never thought of that option.  Would He just remove it for me?

This past Sunday, I felt so low and decided that I had to try.  I prayed with all of my might and asked Heavenly Father to remove the pain and the burden of the difficult marriage and subsequent divorce.  I told him that I trusted He would.  And I went to sleep.

I remember feeling well-rested Monday morning, but honestly forgot all about the fact that I had said this prayer.  It has been an amazing week for me.  I’m feeling a level of peace and happiness that has eluded me for a while now.  I have so much more hope and drive.  It’s night and day really.

Driving to work this morning, a song came on the radio…  A song which should have constricted my heart like it usually does and made me remember how broken my heart still is…  Only, I felt nothing.  Surprised, my prayer came flooding back to me and I wondered if it could be true!  I made myself think of memories I have dared not remember, and once again…  NOTHING.

Tears started streaming down my face as gratitude washed over me.  I nearly sang a prayer of thanks for this very personal miracle my loving Heavenly Father gave to me.

Finally, I’m free.

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Thankful Thursday

24 Nov

It’s been too long since I’ve made a Thankful Thursday list.

I haven’t been feeling so thankful for too long.  I’ve felt pretty angry about what I’ve been dealt in life.  And for some, it’s understandable.  This isn’t a feel sorry for me post so I’m not going into detail, but it’s safe to say that my trials started at a young age and there’s been many.  It’s easy to look at others lives and wonder why they have it so easy and why I’ve had it so hard.  But I know that’s the fastest way to never feel satisfied with anything.

So gratitude needs to be a daily decision- I’m going to start today.  I’m thankful for-

*  A Heavenly Father who knows me, loves me, challenges me and never gives up on me.
*  For the Atonement of Jesus Christ who suffered every pain any of us will ever feel in the Garden of Gesthemane.
*  For the Holy Spirit who fills me with light and truth, who lets me know I’m not alone.
*  For my sisters.  It’s such a special bond- sisterhood.  I’m lucky to have 4 “little” sisters in my life.  They lift me up, make me laugh until I need to pee, bring out my mama bear, keep me real, and dry my tears.
*  For my family.  We’re a rag tag dysfunctional bunch, but there’s a whole lot of love and forgiveness.  I don’t even know how to summarize what I feel for all of these people, but I am truly blessed!
*  For my friends.  You know, devastation truly lets you know who your friends are.  The ones that dare to ask how you are and want to know an honest answer.  Who check in and see through the mask.  Who give as much as they get.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’ll take quality over quantity anyday.
*  For memories.  To remind me that this too shall pass.
*  For safety.  I have a shelter and food to eat and even if it takes me a while to find a job I know that I will be okay.
*For health.  This is not a doing of my own, for a long time I worked against my own health but I’ve been lucky to not have any serious issues to contend with.
* For choices.  I’m grateful for agency in my life even when I am affected by other’s freedom to choose.
* For Xavier and our marriage.  This is a fake it til you make it one.  I know there’s something to be grateful for there, I’m just not finding it yet.  I’m going to keep trying.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with loved ones.

Thankful Thursday Returns

3 Jun

Once upon a time, this blog had very little to do with weight loss.  It was just about my life and the things I was doing to make it better.  And it still is, but for the time being (and probably for a while) my focus is becoming healthier- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Once upon a time, I used to write a list of everything I was thankful for once a week.  It was my attempt to stay positive and remind myself of all the blessings I have in my life.  And it was my favorite, but somehow it got lost in the shuffle.  So I’m bringing it back.  I think this journey is mostly mental anyhow, so an attitude adjustment is greatly needed!

Here we go! (in no particular order, I just type them as I think of them)

* For new blogger friends!  I feel like this whole new world of support has opened up for me.  You guys are inspirational and you’re honest and you’re fabulous.  YOU  ROCK!

* For my husband.  My havienero.  I miss you when you work these crazy shifts, but so grateful that you work hard to provide for our little family.

* For my pups.  You two look like ragamuffins right now, but you make my heart melt.  Even when you’re barking at thunder and driving me crazy, I know you’re just being protective.

* For my family and friends.  I know you love me because you listen to me and try to help me.  I know I can be a mess, but you’ve never given up on me.  Thank you for the support over the years.

* For rainy nights followed by sunny days.  Literally and Figuratively

* For not having to water my plants for a while after last nights downpour.

* For having a stomach bug (AGAIN!) because at least I get to spend some time with my hubby today.  (Did you see me turn that negative into a positive?)

*  Last, but certainly not least- I’m truly grateful for the gospel.  For a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me.  For the Spirit to guide me.  For my brothers and sisters who inspire, teach, comfort.  It’s changed my life in every good way I know.

So, now it’s your turn!  I challenge you to come up with your own list!  Can’t we all use a little attitude adjustment from time to time?

The Best of 2009

1 Jan

Happy New Year!
Yesterday my general attitude was “Good Riddance 2009, you sucked.” Then I had two different mind blowing conversations that made me sing a different tune. By the end of the day, I was feeling a whole new level of gratitude for this past year because:
a. It could have been MUCH worse and was for some people that I love.
b. Even the bad is good. Think about it… See, I didn’t realize it either!
So, I’m going to follow in Leslie’s footsteps and share my 2009 Top Ten list. (in no particular order)
10. For Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University class. If we hadn’t found it when we did, we could have been in BIG trouble at this point. We majorly reduced our monthly budget and have followed it since March. We saved an emergency fund which we have not had to touch. We have given more money than we ever have before and we’ve seen it flow back in. It’s changed our lives in a major way.
9. For being able to move from one job right into another. I got super lucky. I took a major leap of faith when I left teaching, and it paid off.
8. For the breakdown of my marriage. I know it sounds like a strange thing to be grateful for, but it had to happen. It woke me up. It re-lit a fire within and started a new journey for me. It also made me realize just how much I love my husband.
7. Speaking of which- I am blessed with a husband who loves me beyond my comprehension, makes me laugh until it hurts, protects me and takes care of me, has an infectious smile, is super driven, is steadfast, is so giving, and is a great cook. We are so alike and so different and so meant for each other. I almost lost you Xavier, and I promise to never forget your worth again.
6. For therapy. I wish everyone would try it. It took me a little bit to find the right person, but it’s amazing what we’ve been able to achieve together. I’ve learned so much about myself, and learned to be so loving of myself and others (a major feat). I actually understand who I am for the first time ever and it is so liberating.
5. For LOTS of time alone. It was excruciating at the time. I was so incredibly lonely, but again it was needed. I had to listen. I only had my thoughts to keep my company and I had to face myself. I didn’t like what I found in there. I had kept myself so distracted for so long, I had completely disconnected from myself. It actually breaks my heart to think of it now.
4. For being able to reunite with Xavier in Salt Lake City. We were able to celebrate our 3rd Anniversary together in a beautiful city. It was the first time we had seen each other in almost 4 months. It was when we both KNEW that we wanted to make our marriage work. That city will always hold a special place in my heart.
3. Speaking of which- When we visited Temple Square, it was merely an attempt to be good tourists. We had NO IDEA that it would lead us to become members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This is truly the most AMAZING thing that has happened in my entire life, let alone this year.
2. For all of the people in my life- new and old, positive and negative. They all play a role even if it is just to remind me of who I don’t want to be. I can love them all the same because we are all the same. We all have something to offer to each other.
1. For goals. I have also recently realized that I’m on a perpetual journey of self-improvement. For the first time, I know where I’m going and it will take my whole lifetime to get there. I can achieve everything I want to achieve, but it will be a process. The biggest difference now is what is motivating me. It used to be fear, but now it’s love. And it is truly beautiful.

Thankful Thursday

22 Oct
“By The Sea”

* For imperfections.

I love the fact that hand made items are back in style. With the emergence of websites like Etsy and the blog realm, it is becoming easier and easier to find quality handmade and even custom made items.

Handmade items are naturally flawed in a way that make them charming, unique, irreplaceable, and eventually more valuable. They are special.

Lets say for example a woven tapestry. If it is made by hand it is going to have many flaws. It may not be as intricate. You could purchase one made by a computer and it is going to be perfect, but it will also be boring. Safe, mundane, replaceable- unvaluable. Not special at all. It may still be aesthetically pleasing, but it won’t mean anything to the owner.

If I look at my life as a tapestry, with each run a portion of my life, it will undoubtedly be affected by the incidents in my life. These incidents could create a ripple within my tapestry that takes time and hard work to over come, but they can be smoothed, however that flaw will always be a part of my fabric. That imperfection is what makes me valuable, interesting, charming, and loveable.

I have bumps, lumps, and sometimes my threads have been snipped. I will never be perfect, but my tapestry (a work in progress) is beautiful.

Thankful Thursday

1 Oct

I know that I’ve already shared this on Facebook yesterday, and Brandy shared it on her blog today, but I love this video and I feel that it’s message is so profound and so simple. I hope that you will be blessed by it’s message today.

* For today

* For me. Yes, me. I have something to contribute to this world. I am worthy of my own admiration and affection. I’m not there yet, but I’ll fake it til I make it.

* For you. Yes, you. You have something to contribute to this world. You are worthy of your own admiration and affection. You may or may not be there yet, but I pray you find your way.

* For awareness/consciousness/intent- I prefer to live in my dream world, but I’m finding happiness in trying these on for size.

* For finding a good fit. Grandma Moses was probably a wonderful therapist, but she just wasn’t what I needed. “Wow, you have ALOT of history!” lol

* For nourishment- in so many areas of my life.

* For satisfaction. You aren’t going to believe me when I tell you that I am satisfied while dieting. I am. It really is possible.

* For Wednesday night dinners with family. If you only knew how much I am getting out of spending time with you, you’d understand why I won’t accept your money.

* For friends. I am so glad that I’ve reconnected with you. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me think, and you make me feel ok. I really am so blessed.

* For music. It truly speaks directly to my soul. Any genre, any form, any voice…

* For unconditional love. I don’t deserve it and yet it is given to me. I can/must give it away as well.

* For hope. You’re like that spot of sun peeking through the clouds, so bright that I can’t ignore your presence, can’t deny your warmth- and though you are so small and the clouds are so great- you fill the dark sky with light.

Thankful Thursday on Wednesday

16 Sep


*For figurative language- makes life so colorful… I can’t quite bring myself to call us “Metaphor Whores,” so I think we’ll stick with Crayola’s of Communication… LOL, oh dear…

* For the fact that I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to write my list, and having so much to say that I’m debating on what should come next!

* For amazing friends- I don’t have a bunch of them, but I’ll take quality over quantity anyday.

* For conversations and questions that open my eyes. That honesty and safety to say what needs to be said.

* For something feeling like home. It is a feeling that you can’t really describe, but you just know it when you feel it.

* For the happiness and satisfaction I have right now as I watch the lives of three of my closest friends grow and blossom before my very eyes. It brings me so much joy and pride.

* For history, familiarity, comfort… I wasn’t expecting those things to mean so much to me, but they feel so good.

* For a rainy weekend that ended with sun peaking out and God supplying the most fantastic rainbow I’ve ever seen.

* For these in-between times… I know they are necessary… Just don’t like ’em… one bit

* For motivation… It really is the key

* For clarity and consciousness… working on both, and it feels good

* For this mess we’re in… yes, I am thankful for it. Maybe it will push us to make all of those changes we’ve wanted to make but were too- scared, lazy, in denial, procrastinating…

* For the fact that I will be 29 soon, and that doesn’t seem to bother me one bit. I’m ready to have the 20’s over with- they sucked!

* For love.