Archive | I will survive RSS feed for this section

Expectations

7 Sep

Image

Hey, guess what?  I moved a week ago.  One looooooooong week ago.

It’s been tough.  I’m not even going to lie.  Let me start by telling you about how I thought I accidentally poisoned both of my dogs.

Image

When I got to my new place, I removed a package of mouse/rat poison from in between the fridge and stove.  I looked to make sure I didn’t miss any pieces but obviously didn’t look good enough.  When I got home from church Sunday, I found a pellet in my bedroom.  My stomach sank to my knees.  Google, phone calls to vets, and prayers kept me from losing my mind. We are out of the woods now.  If they ate anything, it must have been a very small amount.  Thank heavens.

Then I started my new job.  I think my new co-workers expected me to know more than I did.  Maybe I expected to know more than I do.  Maybe I know more than I realize.  I’ve been with this company for nearly 2 years, but in a completely different role.  I’ve seen/heard everything that I’m now responsible for, but it’s a different thing to actually do it yourself.  That being said, I had what I considered some success.  I interviewed a number of candidates, filled a number of job openings and even started building relationships with some clients.

Image

I dropped my phone in that toilet Thursday morning.  First time I’ve ever dropped a phone in the toilet, but I digress.

I was starting to feel pretty good about things until yesterday.  This whole situation is naturally stressful.  New home, new city, new job…  For a routined person like me, it’s difficult.  I knew it would be, but the eternal optimist in me also wants to believe everything will be peachy.  I’m sure that’s why it was so upsetting when contention showed up at work yesterday.  Just when I was wondering what I was doing here, I got a call from the owner of the company.  He gave me a little ray of hope, which was followed by a terrible afternoon.  I’ve cried and prayed and cried and prayed.

Here’s the thing.  Everything is going to be okay.  It’s going to take time.  It’s going to take patience.  It’s going to take obedience and prayer.  But everything is going to be okay.  There’s something for me to learn here.  I’m sure of it.  I know my Heavenly Father loves me and he is providing for me.  As long as I have that knowledge, I have everything I need.

Advertisements

Darkness Within

25 Apr

Image

I was first diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depressants toward the end of my Sophomore year of college.

I had gone to the Doctor complaining of always being tired and after some questioning, he decided I was depressed.  I didn’t take it very seriously.  I took the medication for about a month and when I didn’t feel any different, stopped taking them.

Less than a year later, I had to withdraw from school and move to Corpus Christi because I was suicidal.

I spent the next year in therapy.  I worked hard to get to a good place without the use of anti-depressants.  I really thought there was no way I’d ever find myself in such a state again.  While I’ve never found myself in that kind of suicidal state again, I’ve struggled off and on with a deep depression and the struggle of what is the root cause of these issues.

For me, depression really isn’t about sadness.  I would describe it as a numbness.  Over the years, I’ve found that a period of depression usually comes when I’ve experienced a very stressful situation or prolonged periods of anxiety.  It’s more like being completely overwhelmed and my emotions shutting down.  I withdraw from interactions with family and friends.  I become unproductive because I have no drive or energy.  All the while, I’m aware that this is happening, want it to change, and feel like a bit of a prisoner within myself.

It takes time and effort to overcome those periods of depression.  I’ve tried numerous anti-depressants over the years and I’ve yet to find one I like.  What I’ve found that helps more than anything revolves around my spirituality.  Being involved in my church and everything that entails brings the swiftest relief I’ve found, but it still takes time and effort.

I’ve been struggling lately.  The past few weeks were the worst of it, but thankfully I seem to be crawling out of my dark place.  I don’t understand exactly what the root cause is, but I’m grateful I know how to combat it.

Baby Steps

4 Oct

There aren’t many things that I have control over right now.  Not that I’m interested in being in control, it’s just that I sort of feel like I’m in the middle of a whirlwind with nothing to hold on to.  So I picked something that I could use to steady myself and feel like I’m moving in the right direction.

I absolutely have control over how I take care of myself.  I can hang on to that.  I can focus on that and start moving in a positive direction.

So I woke up early, ate a bowl of oatmeal and an apple.  I packed a healthy lunch for work.  I took a long, hot, and much needed shower.  Now I’m going to fix my hair and put on makeup for the first time in too long.

I know it may seem superficial, but it’s a place to start.

The Unpleasant Truth

24 Mar

Folks, I know you really don’t want to know, but the constipation issue has reached critical mass and well I’m just not sure what to do!

My Dr.’s office suggested stool softeners yesterday which haven’t helped yet.  I spent MOST of the day yesterday on the toilet and in pain.  It was honestly probably the worst ever.  I won’t even begin to tell you what my dear husband has helped me with, and he is sworn to secrecy!

In a desperate moment last night, he ran to CVS and bought me an enema which I was too afraid to use.

Any suggestions?  My doc is unwilling to do anything else until Friday and I’m not sure I can make it until then!  All I know is that I CAN’T use laxatives.  Any help would be greatly appreciated!

No, Thanks

6 Aug

I learned a new vocabulary word today boys and girls!  Oh how I struggled to use it, but you know it felt pretty darn good afterwards.  I may just have to use it more often!

But wait!  Before I dive into that, let me please apologize for my last post.  I was pretty down in the dumps if you couldn’t tell.  Sometimes I just have to get that stuff out and then I feel so much better.  I did and I do.

So, back to the subject at hand.

You see, not much has really gone the way I would like it to since I got here.  Well, at first it did.  But lately it’s been one thing after another.  The job that I thought was “the one” didn’t work out.  I didn’t even get an interview.  There are no teaching jobs in this area right now because of a budget issue.  I haven’t had even a nibble!

Last weekend while my husband was here visiting, we drove to Spur so he could see our dogs.  While we were there, I asked my grandparents if the local school district might be hiring.  Two phone calls and about 10 minutes later, I had an interview scheduled for the next day.  Only, this wasn’t for a teaching position.

It was for a One-on-One Special Education Paraprofessional position.  I would be working with one student all day long.  He was a 4th grade boy with Cerebral Palsy.  One of my duties would be to assist him in using the restroom and cleaning him afterward.  I would be primarily responsible for his education because the entire district only has ONE Special Education teacher.  I would essentially be acting as his teacher, but would not be paid as one.  I knew I couldn’t expect much, but I had no idea that they could only offer me $12,000 a year.

I had already done the math for subbing all year and stood to potentially make at least $14,000 if I worked daily for the entire school year.  So, I told him I couldn’t take less than $14,000 to even consider the job.

He was able to offer me the $14,000 and then I had a big decision to make.  On the one hand, this was guaranteed money with benefits and a foot in the door, but in a terribly small town an hour away from the city I’m currently living in.  I wouldn’t be able to afford to drive back and forth daily and there’s no way I can live on my own for $14K, so I would have to move in with my grandparents.  Which wasn’t a completely horrible idea.

On the other hand, if I stayed in Lubbock and waited to see if I got hired on to sub, I could also potentially find a second job.  I’d have a better chance of getting my foot into the door with the districts I really want to work for and live where I really want to live, but as of now I’m not hired to sub and there’s no guarantee that anyone else will ever want to hire me.

And then there’s a million other things that I considered, but it all boiled down to the fact that when I thought about what the job would entail all I could do was feel dread.  So I went to bed last night thinking that I would just have to take my chances and maybe start looking for jobs in other areas altogether.

When I woke up this morning, I was having second thoughts.  I know that no one loves job hunting, but for me it is a particularly heinous form of torture.  I thought it would just be easier to take it and be done with it.  Not to mention that I really didn’t want to call the Principal and tell him thanks but no thanks.  I actually started feeling guilty that I was going to turn the job down.

That’s when it happened.

All of a sudden I knew that this opportunity came along because I HAD to turn it down.  I had to not settle.  I had to not do the easy thing.  I had to choose the hard thing, the right thing.  As horrible and scary as it is to turn down the ONLY offer I’ve had, that’s exactly what I did because there has to be something better out there for me.

This is me letting it go.  I know it will come and I’m going to stop trying to control WHEN it comes.

The Truth Is…

5 Aug

I just don’t trust myself anymore.

You see, I thought I was finally getting somewhere in life.  I thought my marriage was stronger than it had ever been.  We were active in our church.  I was doing things that I really enjoyed with people that I really admired.  I was seeing a future coming together…

Only, I was really wrong.  It all started falling apart.  I was being deceived…  Worst of all, now I’m not sure if any of it was real or not.  I’m not sure who I can trust, most of all myself.

I can’t make sense of anything anymore.  I went from feeling like I finally understood this life and where I was going, to feeling like I know nothing at all.  I went from having a family to feeling utterly alone.  I went from a life I had built to living this life that feels like it’s borrowed.

I have options, but none of them feel right.  Nothing feels right anymore.  I pray for answers, but I don’t get any. I pray for wisdom, courage, anything!  But I feel no relief.  I just don’t know what to do.

I can’t see the future anymore.  I’m trying to make it through the next hour of my life.  I know this all sounds terribly dramatic.  I hate the sound of it myself.  I make myself sick.  I wish I could just STOP.

But I don’t know how to.

Too Much

3 Aug
I
There’s so much going on right now.  So much I want to write about.  So much to be said…
Like this mysterious back injury I woke up with Friday morning.
Or the weekend I just spent with my husband.
Or my job offer that I have until Monday to decide about, that I really don’t want but might have to take if nothing else comes up this week.
It’s just too much for me to process right now.  I have faith that it is all going to get worked out, someday.  Right now I’m in the thick of it and I’m overwhelmed, so I’m officially shutting it down for at least the day.  I’m pretty much stuck in bed with this back strain anyway.