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Everybody needs a little forgiveness

7 Apr
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My beautiful mother, sisters, and I

This time last week, I was in Corpus Christi visiting two of my sisters and our mother.  She drove down from Charlotte and we all had a wonderful Easter together.  It was the first time in years that we weren’t brought together by tragedy.  I am so incredibly grateful that we have all made it through the wilderness of those dark times and seem to all be doing well for once!  It was probably the happiest time we’ve all had together.

I was pretty nervous before my trip.  The few times I’ve been back to Corpus Christi since my separation were short trips when my aunt was put into hospice and then for her memorial.  The last time I went, this past September, was another short trip to move my sister and cousin back.  That’s when my ex-husband decided to show up and turn my life upside down again.

This was my first real trip back since my divorce.  I wondered how I was going to feel spending an extended amount of time in the place that didn’t feel like home until he came along.  I worried I might run into him or his family.  I thought I might find myself looking for him everywhere we went.  But that didn’t happen.

On my last day there, we were running around doing some shopping.  I was zoned out as we drove down a busy street.  I snapped out of it and realized I was starting at a blue truck.  Then I thought, that kinda looks like his truck.  It wasn’t his, but I realized that I hadn’t been looking for him at all.

Another night, after family pictures, my step-dad wanted to take us all to dinner.  The restaurant he chose was the location of my first date with him.  I mentioned it at dinner and I could tell my family was concerned that I was upset, but I was surprised to realize that it wasn’t upsetting at all.

I’m so glad that I’m finally getting to this point.  I’m letting go.  I”m moving on.

You know what I think it is?  I’m finally forgiving myself.  I forgave him long ago, but I have felt so much anger toward myself.  Especially for letting him back in this last time.  I’ve been working on repentance through my church and I can feel my heart getting lighter and lighter.  It’s amazing what a little forgiveness can do.

 

I’m moving on

3 Mar

So, I don’t wanna talk about it.

That’s whats kept me from blogging all of these months. I felt like I had to explain whats been going/what happened a few months ago. Most of the people who read this blog anymore are people I know in real life. You already have some idea about what I’ve been up to.

I’ve tried writing about it, but I just don’t want to talk about it. I want to move on. Finally!

I don’t want to give him or this anymore space in my life, head, heart.

So…

I’m back!

Beautiful

26 Aug

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For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful.

This isn’t about my weight.  This isn’t about hair or makeup or clothes.  This is about love.

Because for the first time in my life, I truly love myself.  I’m not sure how it happened, but I think it was a necessity.  I’ve never felt this way before, but it’s amazing.

The List

7 Apr

 

I don’t have a large number of people that I consider good friends.  It’s not that there’s anything wrong with the women that I do consider friends that keeps them from being GOOD friends.  It just seems to take me a long time to cultivate the type of relationship that I would consider close/special/true.

I’m sure we could get into the psychology of what this means and why it is, etc.  But I think it’s simply the fact that #1 I have four younger sisters and those relationships raise the bar on what I expect from my relationships with other women, and #2 I was let down by my mother at a very young age and probably don’t inherently trust/feel comfortable with ladies.

Whew, #2 was hard to admit.  I really don’t want to feel that way, but regardless- I guess I’m more about quality than quantity.

Three of my oldest and dearest friends live in Lubbock.  One friendship is 25 years old!  The others are 18 and 15.  I’ve basically known these women more than I haven’t.  I feel like they know every single part of me and still accept me for who I am.  That is an amazing resource and freedom.

One of these ladies recently gave me a task to complete.  She asked me to make a list of 20 things I want in a man. (Not necessarily today, but when I’m ready).  I made my list and checked back in with her.

Then I was to choose 5 things that I couldn’t live without.  The idea being that if I found someone with these 5 things, the rest of the list probably wouldn’t matter much because my real needs would be met.

It was harder than I expected to come up with 20 things!  I had some duplicates like humble and down-to-earth which are basically the same thing.  But after some tweaking, I think I had a pretty accurate list.  The top 5 were pretty easy to choose.  So, here’s my list:

  1. Honest
  2. Chemistry/Connection
  3. Spiritual
  4. Passionate
  5. Good Communicator
  6. Respectful
  7. Stable
  8. Motivated
  9. Sense of Humor
  10. Good Taste in Music
  11. Healthy
  12. Intelligent
  13. Open Minded
  14. Provider
  15. Thoughtful
  16. Down-to-Earth
  17. Affectionate
  18. Courageous
  19. Faithful
  20. Mature

I can already see how this list might change over time as I change or my needs change, but I don’t imagine that the top 5 will ever be very different from what it is now.

What would your top 5 be and why?

Final

24 Dec

Two major parts of my life were finalized this past week- my aunt’s life and my marriage.

Both surreal.  Both bittersweet.

We scattered her ashes in the ocean just before dawn.  I didn’t actually watch my cousin release her.  All I could look at was the waves coming up on the shore.  Coming in and moving back out.  Washing away, making new.

Michele believed in me.  She saw so much more in me than I ever did.  She wanted me to be more, to move on and live my life.  And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I love you Michele.  I can feel you with me.  And I know someday we will see each other again.

Life and Death

18 Dec

Right after my surgery earlier this year, my Aunt was hospitalized and diagnosed with small cell carcinoma, the most aggressive form of cancer.  Caused by only one thing: smoking cigarettes.  They caught it early and treated it aggressively.  We all thought she had it beat.  Then her next scan showed that it had moved from her lungs to her liver and pretty much taken it over.  That’s when they told her it was the beginning of the end.  She was determined to fight.

I traveled to Corpus Christi last weekend to help my mother start making arrangements and spend some time with my aunt while I can.  They have determined that the cancer spread to her spine and given her 6 weeks to live.  Hospice care has been brought in and we did our best to make her feel comfortable and happy.

While I was in town, I had a SERIOUS lapse in judgment.  I think it was a combination of re-reading some Love Dare posts earlier in the week and thinking about what I would regret if I were in my aunt’s position.  But I told him that I was willing to try to work things out.  I made promises, stopping just short of begging.  He totally rejected me.  It was so embarrassing, so humbling.  I felt like the world was swallowing me whole.  He had the nerve to ask me if we could still be friends.  Oh, have I mentioned that he’s already dating?

Anyway, I fell into this pit of despair.  Consumed in self-centered drama, I started thinking about death.  This is not new for me.  Suicidal thoughts, while not frequent, have been an issue for me since my teenage years.  Usually they are fleeting and an indication that I am not handling a situation well enough on my own.

This time it made me angry and scared.  Here is my aunt fighting for every minute she can squeeze out of her too short life and I’m going to let him make me feel like my life is over?!  But the thoughts kept coming.  That’s when I finally got down on my knees.  Why do I struggle so much to remember to pray?  It’s always a solution!  While my heart still aches, I know I’m going to survive.

I choose life and I’m strong enough to live it.

No More Faking It

6 Dec

Random picture of my little Christmas tree!

Yesterday was quite a day.  I woke up to snow which was cool.  I had to head into Lubbock early because I had to get set up for a temp job I was going to work Tuesday and Wednesday and I also had an interview later in the afternoon.  I had all of these glorious plans to get so many things done.  The streets didn’t look bad at all, so I made no adjustments before I headed out around 6:30am.

This is where I have to stop and give a little geography lesson.  Lubbock, TX sits on top of a caprock which is why it’s so flat, but you get  a little ways out of town and you head down into canyons where it’s anything BUT flat.  Post, TX is just down off of the caprock.  As soon as I got up that hill and onto the caprock, I knew I was in trouble.  ICE.  EVERYWHERE.  But I pressed forward.  There was a path worn in the road already and I was just going to take it slow and steady.  I traveled about 10 miles when I guess I got a little too confident.

The car in front of me kept slowing down for no apparent reason, so I decided to gently pass her.  I guess I forgot that my tires are nearly bald and need to be replaced.  As I was merging back in front of her, I started to skid.

I grew up in this weather!  I know how to handle a skid…  I took my foot off the gas like I was supposed to but it felt like the car accelerated anyway which made me panic.  I started overcorrecting and when I started spinning I hit the brakes flinging me off the road and down into a plowed cotton field.  I basically did everything I shouldn’t have done.  AND I felt like an idiot.  All of it was totally my own dang fault.

My car was perpendicular to traffic and I was facing an embankment that was super steep and about as tall as my vehicle.  I’ll spare all the details but a very nice gentleman tried to help me but was unsuccessful.  I tried using my emergency roadside assistance with Geico but they couldn’t get any tow trucks out in the snowstorm.  Eventually, a State Trooper came to my rescue and spent quite a bit of time getting me back on the highway.  He then scolded me for the condition of my tires and sent me back to Post.

I was going to try to salvage the day by working on Christmas gifts so I checked me bank acct only to find a mystery charge on my acct from Blockbuster.  I knew that my card was associated with the Blockbuster acct that we always used back in Corpus Christi, so this required a call to him.

I hate having to call him.  I hate the fact that I want to talk to him as much as I do.  I hate the fact that it makes me feel better to hear his voice.  I hate the fact that it is also excrutiatingly painful- like opening newly scabbed wounds.  We took care of the business at hand but then I just couldn’t get off the phone yet.  We ended up having a long conversation and I felt a little better when it was over.

In my Thanksgiving post, I mentioned that I was going to “fake it til I make it” when it came to being grateful for my marriage and him.  He and I had previously talked about how I honestly didn’t know what I had gained from the 7+ years that we were together because even memories are tainted now with questions.  But I admitted to him last night that I know for certain one blessing that came from our time together.  My relationship with Jesus Christ.

It was through my desparation that I began looking for answers, resolutions to our problems.  It was in that state that I discovered The Love Dare.  It was through that book and the work it had me do, that I gained my first testimony of Jesus Christ.  It’s not that I didn’t believe before, I just didn’t understand.  I now have a personal relationship and it is everything.  I think it took the humbling experiences and struggles in my marriage to make me able to accept the gospel and appreciate the gift of love.

My trials have been numerous.  Some have been solely the result of others choices and some have been of my own doing.  I continue to be humbled by my circumstances.  I believe that this life is meant to be difficult, that we are meant to struggle to endure.  But we also have to find ways to be grateful.

I’m thankful that I wasn’t injured or anyone else for that matter yesterday.  I’m lucky that my vehicle seems to be fine as well.  I’m grateful for my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I get to experience all of the joy and pain of this life because of His sacrifice.

Bedroom Inspiration

1 Nov

Okay, this is a really random post considering everything that’s going on right now.  But I happened to be flipping through the new Ikea catalog this morning and came across this picture…  And it spoke to me.  Charcoal, pink, taupe?  Um, yes please!  Wow, I love.

I love the textures!  I love the shine!  It’s moody, it’s feminine, it’s kinda romantic but also sophisticated!

I’m going to need new bed linens eventually and I know exactly what direction I’m headed in…  Gives me something to look forward to!

Restless

14 Oct

Woke up early this morning and I’m feeling restless.  Like I need to DO something.

Got some news yesterday that knocked my socks off.  My aunt who just recently finished chemo and radiation for a very small tumor they found in her lung back in June recently had another scan.  Turns out the cancer has already spread to her liver and she has more in her lungs.  The last scan came back completely clear.  She has small cell carcinoma which is the most aggressive form of cancer- caused by smoking.

Her bone marrow has already taken a beating, so basically they are going to treat her until her body can’t take it anymore.

I’m sad.  I’m confused.  I don’t know what to say.  The only thing I can do is pray.

The Right of Way

16 Jun

I had a little epiphany the other day driving to work.  I find myself to be a yielding kind of person- aware of my surroundings, considerate of those around me, but mostly cautious.  Not everyone is like this.  Some people refuse to yield to anyone except maybe in imminent danger.  This is a fascinating concept to me.  I don’t necessarily want to be that type of person, but maybe there is some kind of balance to strike?

Some recent events in my life have left me feeling totally powerless- at the mercy of those in my life.  Why do I let that happen?  I’m sad to have to admit that it’s mostly fear.  And honestly, that makes me kind of angry with myself.  Why am I giving away all of the control?  Why am I not making my dreams come true?  Why am I compromising EVERYTHING.

It has to stop.  I can’t do this anymore.  I’m going to try something new and maybe I will finally see the change that I’ve wanted for so long.  I’ll fake it til I make it.