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Closure

21 Nov

I woke up yesterday morning from a terrible dream about Xavier and I.  It made me realize all of the fears and feelings that I’ve been pushing down.  That I haven’t been dealing with- that I’ve been trying to move past by ignoring.  I guess it doesn’t really work that way.

So, I started a conversation with him over text messages that he eventually stopped responding to.  And then I cried off and on all day.  It was a mess.

I think what I’m missing is closure.  I mean, the divorce isn’t even final yet but there are still so many open wounds and questions.  How did this happen?  What went wrong?  How am I EVER going to believe in marriage again?

I think I work things out in my dreams because I woke up today with some clarity.  I wasn’t happy.  I hadn’t been for some time thanks to everything that had been happening between us.  But I still had hope.  I was trying, working, praying, believing that we could change our circumstances.  I thought so because I believed that we wanted the same things.  That we loved each other.

I feel used.  Because he’s been checked out of the marriage for years but just hanging on to me for comfort. He doesn’t want to be alone.  He wanted a home and the comfort I brought to him, but not the responsibilities of being a husband.  He refused to communicate to the point of never being able to reach him- even though his friends could always get in touch with him.  He refused to be giving to me often completely ignoring significant times for me- like my 30th birthday.  When given rare opportunity to spend time with me, he would choose his friends instead.

I mean, COME ON.  All of the signs were there.  So WHY did he keep me around?  Why did he have me move back home?  Why did he keep insisting that he wanted me only to treat me like crap?  Why did he let me believe that we were going to start a family only to turn around and say that he wasn’t ready?

He was using me.

He never should have married me.  He was already looking outside of our marriage before we ever said I do.  I was deceived from the very beginning.  It makes me question every feeling I’ve ever had about him.  I can’t hang on to any good memories because there is an underlying question about what was real and what wasn’t.  THE LAST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE HAVE BEEN WASTED!

I can’t go back and change it.  All I can do is learn and accept and move forward.  I can’t imagine ever being able to trust someone again.  I can’t imagine wanting to set myself for this kind of pain again.

I shouldn’t have let him keep sucking me in again.  I knew deep down that he was no good.  He didn’t start out that way, but it didn’t take him long to get there.  Oh sure, he’s a charmer.  That’s how he reels you in- acting like a big ole teddy bear.  But it’s a facade.

I know this is all over the place, but I guess if I can take anything away from this disaster it would be to trust my gut and be strong enough to walk away before I let a relationship ruin my life again.  It’s possible that I’ll never  have that chance, but I’m determined to not let him steal the joy from my life like he has for too long now.

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Stronger

3 Nov

I’ve heard over and over again that I’m so strong.  That I’m handling everything so well.  “If it was me…”

I haven’t been so sure.  I can stay calm most of the time, but inside I feel like a little war is raging.  It’s a constant battle to remember the good in the world and not let every negative thought/feeling/whim take over.  I’m never really trying to hide it from anyone but it seems like it’s easy to keep a handle on in front of other people.  When I’m home alone- not so easy.

Time is probably part of the answer because I DO feel stronger today.  The past week has been crazy and there’s been lots of stress but right now almost everything is packed and I’m resting up to load everything tomorrow.  And I feel somehow stronger.

Last week I saw Kelly Clarkson performing a song from her new album, Stronger,  on The View and I have since fallen in love with it.  It feels like the soundtrack to my life right now.  One song in particular feels like it could have been written for me.  I know what I’ll be listening to on the road Friday!

Everything’s Okay

22 May

It really is.

A Dedication

21 Sep

To my anchor-

When all the world is spinning round
like a red balloon way up in the clouds
and my feet will not stay on the ground
you anchor me back down

I am nearly world-renowned
as a restless soul who always skips town,
but I look for you to come around
and anchor me back down.

There are those who think that I’m strange
They would box me up and tell me to change
but you hold me close and softly say
that you wouldn’t have me any other way

When people pin me as a clown
you behave as though I’m wearing a crown
When I’m lost I feel so very found
when you anchor me back down.

There are those who think that I’m strange

They would box me up and tell me to change
but you hold me close and softly say
that you wouldn’t have me any other way
When all the world is spinning round
like a red balloon way up in the clouds
And my feet will not stay on the ground
you anchor me back down.

All I have to say

28 Jul

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=12982892&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1
Sara Bareilles – King of Anything from Sam Garvey on Vimeo.

After a night like last night, this is all I have to say.  And no, this isn’t directed at who you probably think it is…


King of Anything by Sara Bareilles


Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

Feeling Strangely Fine

2 Jul

It’s Friday.  Two weeks ago today, I was loading my life in a U-haul.  I was crying from pain, frustration, fear but feeling courage like I’d never known before.  Courage because somewhere in my bones, I knew what I had to do.  Courage because somewhere deep inside burned a hope that thrust me forward when all I really wanted to do was crawl in a dark corner and hide from the rest of my life.

When I set out that Saturday morning, I wondered how long it would take to not feel broken anymore.

I have the day off today.  I have a long list of to-do’s.  But I started out at Barnes & Noble to use some free Wi-Fi and reconnect to the world.  The first blog I RAN to was Passionista!  (No offense to the other blogs I read, I just knew she must have posted the July Mix already and I needed a music fix)

Sure enough, it was up and I started falling in love.  (I have a long list of new downloads now!)

Here I am.  Sitting on the 2nd floor next to a big window, sipping my favorite drink, watching the rain fall, and feeling a peace that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to feel again.  This is what my Heavenly Father wanted for me.  This moment.  To be able to see the beauty in the world again.  I recognize this girl.  She feels like me.

Who says you can’t go home again?

Days Like This

18 Feb

I feel like I have so much to say right now, but don’t really know how to say any of it right now- so thiswill have to do for now.