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All By Myself

8 Jun

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It’s been one of those weekends. Storms have been raging all around me and it’s left me with more time to think than I prefer.

Early Friday morning, I was awakened by the sound of tornado sirens. When I went to bed the night before, there was a chance of rain but not even a tornado watch. It took me a minute to figure out what was going on, but when I did, I went into a full-blown panic.

After stumbling around in circles in the dark, I grabbed my dogs, my cell phone and some pillows and blankets and ducked into my closet. I kept thinking that I wished I weren’t alone.

In the closet, I prayed until my heart slowed down and then messaged a good friend. It wasn’t until she sent me some reassuring words that I felt safe.

Friday evening, during a break between storms, I ventured out to get some water and dinner. As I reached the checkout, I heard it start pouring again. After a brief debate, I pulled my keys out of my pocket so they would be ready and ran for it.

Bad idea. The parking lot was already a raging river. The wind and rain were blowing directly into my face. Within seconds, I couldn’t see, was having trouble breathing, and in danger of losing my flip flops.

But I pressed forward and make it to the car. When I got inside, I realized that while I had my key ring, my car key had broken off.

I wish someone had recorded the scene because my glasses were soaked in rain and I had nothing to dry them with. I finally took them off which was better but not really. After not finding the key in the car, I had to call a friend to save me.

I was really upset that I had to interrupt her date night to once again be a damsel in distress. At the same time, I was incredible grateful and relieved to have the help.

(P.S. After the rain died down, we found the key right outside the driver side door on the ground. Talk about a miracle!!)

I have spent the rest of the weekend holed up in my apartment because I’m not feeling well and the weather is stormy. It’s a lot like my disposition.

Why am I having such a hard time being alone. Sometimes I feel like Heavenly Father wants me to need other people more, and yet He also wants me to be alone. I feel like I’m being prepared for something, but I don’t even want to consider what that is.

I’m not ready to be okay with not finding my eternal partner in this life. I’m trying to actively work on making that happen without just taking up the next eligible bachelor who shows interest.

I’m confused. But life goes on and I’m going with it. All I can do is keep living and working on being worthy.

Darkness Within

25 Apr

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I was first diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depressants toward the end of my Sophomore year of college.

I had gone to the Doctor complaining of always being tired and after some questioning, he decided I was depressed.  I didn’t take it very seriously.  I took the medication for about a month and when I didn’t feel any different, stopped taking them.

Less than a year later, I had to withdraw from school and move to Corpus Christi because I was suicidal.

I spent the next year in therapy.  I worked hard to get to a good place without the use of anti-depressants.  I really thought there was no way I’d ever find myself in such a state again.  While I’ve never found myself in that kind of suicidal state again, I’ve struggled off and on with a deep depression and the struggle of what is the root cause of these issues.

For me, depression really isn’t about sadness.  I would describe it as a numbness.  Over the years, I’ve found that a period of depression usually comes when I’ve experienced a very stressful situation or prolonged periods of anxiety.  It’s more like being completely overwhelmed and my emotions shutting down.  I withdraw from interactions with family and friends.  I become unproductive because I have no drive or energy.  All the while, I’m aware that this is happening, want it to change, and feel like a bit of a prisoner within myself.

It takes time and effort to overcome those periods of depression.  I’ve tried numerous anti-depressants over the years and I’ve yet to find one I like.  What I’ve found that helps more than anything revolves around my spirituality.  Being involved in my church and everything that entails brings the swiftest relief I’ve found, but it still takes time and effort.

I’ve been struggling lately.  The past few weeks were the worst of it, but thankfully I seem to be crawling out of my dark place.  I don’t understand exactly what the root cause is, but I’m grateful I know how to combat it.