**This is a post I started and never finished…
I’m currently sitting in a hospital bed, all propped up with pillows. A seven pound 3 ounce slice of heaven swaddled like a burrito baby on my lap. She’s sleeping peacefully as is her daddy. I should be sleeping too, but I can’t just yet. An alarm is set on our phones for a little before midnight for another feeding and pain meds.
I’m listening to her breathing and
**I imagine a nurse came in and I got distracted and then tired. Obviously I forgot all about this blog post in those hazy, post C-section days. It was a wonderful time filled with so much love.
Today is my first Mother’s Day. And I’m feeling mixed emotions.
For the past few years, I have stayed home from church on Mother’s Day. It was just too painful. And while I’m going today, I still feel a little dread. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like I’m not really a mom.
But I look at my life and I can’t deny that I am. I have this girl to care for and love. I can relate to her and her situation in a way that most others can’t. I know I have a purpose in her life.
Jami will see her mom for the first time in over three months today. They had a short phone call last night and shortly after, she fell apart. Crying and emotional about everything and super clingy. A little later, I was putting away laundry and she came to see me. I asked her what was going on and she broke down and said she missed her mommy.
It broke my heart. I’ve been in her shoes.
I just held her and tried to be positive. I wanted to take her hurt away, but I can’t. I put her to bed and made her laugh and she is in better spirits today. That’s what being a mother is to me. Giving her a loving and safe home.
This morning, I took a pregnancy test because my period is late. It was negative just like so many others before. I felt pretty stupid. I had a little conversation with God when I stopped taking birth control. I told him I was done being upset. If it happens, wonderful. If not, it’s ok.
I have a family. I’m a mom. Right now she’s sitting in bed with me as I type. We are chatting about a number of things. She’s told me several times that she loves me. This is exactly what I’ve always wanted.
When my fiance and I met 8+ months ago, one of our earliest conversations was about my willingness to move if things worked out between us. I remember his voice on the other end of the line, timidly asking me if I would consider it. At the time, we were still getting to know each other and emotions weren’t involved yet. My impulsive answer was, “NO!” but my rational answer (and the one I shared with him) was that I supposed if I was in love that I would be willing to be wherever I needed to be for us to be together. But I honestly hoped it didn’t come to that.
I’ve moved myself 5 times in the past 5 years thanks to separations, divorce, and job changes. Just. Please lets take a moment for all of the packing I’ve done. It’s just the worst.
But I digress. As we got to know each other more and I came to understand his situation, I understood that if things worked out for us – I probably would have to move. It would be what was best for his daughter. I truly understood that even if I didn’t like it.
With our recent engagement, a decision had to be made and it was easier than I expected it to be. In about a month from now, I will make my 6th move in just under 6 years. I will be leaving Texas to live in Oklahoma. And I feel pretty great about it.
I have my moments when fear creeps in and I think about how much easier it would be to stay right where I am and stay single and not change anything. But he is always there to remind me that he’s got my back. That he’s proud of me for being so strong. That he knows this is hard and he is here for me. And then I feel like I can do anything.
I think that the past five years have taught me that I can be happy anywhere and I can be miserable anywhere. It’s about how I choose to live. It’s about what’s going on inside of my heart. Home is what I make it. Home is who you share it with. Home is where the love is. Home is where they are.
I’m glad that I’m going to get to live close to him for a little while before we get married. It will be a more natural transition than going from long distance to married.
Just one more thing – I know that this move has left some of my family and friends in a less-than-desirable position. Please know that I love you and that I am sorry to leave you. I know you understand and you’re happy for me. I know that you’re worried for me. I know that you don’t want me to go, but thank you for supporting me anyway.
I have faith that it will all work out.